How do I tell my husband I saw him masturbating?

My husband and I have a healthy intimate relationship but recently, I found him masturbating. We have not had a discussion about it yet but I am wondering whether I am not woman enough for him. Should I talk to him about it or is it normal behaviour?  

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Masturbation is at times a sensitive topic among couples. In fact, some couples either assume that their partner does not masturbate or even expect that their partner should not masturbate since they are in a relationship. In reality, many people who are married or in committed long-term relationships masturbate. Some even report masturbating more when they are in a relationship than when they are single.

Your husband’s behaviour is common among men and sometimes, women. People masturbate for different reasons; for some it is a way to cope with stressful situations while others do it for unknown reasons.

Talking to your husband about his behaviour and how it makes you feel is important. Speaking about this openly with your husband might enable a formal discussion about it. Try not to confront him but instead, bring up the topic while you are both relaxed. Has his behaviour just begun or has it been going on for some time? If the behaviour is new, then it is possible that it is a copying strategy.

Although your husband’s masturbation can make you feel as though you are not enough, it is important to remember that you are not the problem. Support your husband by engaging in a non-judgemental discussion. In case his behaviour is caused by stress, suggest meeting a counsellor who will help by giving you space to talk freely. Remember, it is common to notice an upsetting in your partner, which does not mean your marriage is crumbling. Remember, every problem has a solution.

During the conversation with your partner, keep an open mind. Do not make any premature assumptions or jump to rash conclusions. Remember, conversations about masturbation could bring up feelings of shame or embarrassment in your partner; it is essential to not come across as demeaning, condescending or blaming.

You might be surprised to find out that your partner has been wanting to have this conversation with you as well but did not know how to bring it up. Give them some time to reflect on what you shared and their feelings in response to yours. The conversation could also create a wonderful opportunity for you both to discuss your mutual expectations about sex and masturbation.

Reader advice

There are other factors

Joan Musoke. That depends on a variety of factors you have not told us. If you often say no when he wants sex, this is how he is coping with that. Bringing it up is likely to get an angry response, especially if you are suggesting he should not be doing it. On the other hand, if he often says no to you, then this is a real problem. If you want more sex and he is masturbating, I think he needs to be asked about it.

Talk to your husband

Mathew Mukisa. You are married to this man and must be able to talk to him about anything. Do you believe your husband masturbating is wrong or a sin? Maybe you could ask him why he is masturbating. And at the same time, tell him how knowing he masturbates makes you feel. Open and honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship or marriage. I believe you two need to talk a lot more.

Try to find the cause

Moses Ojambo Odwori. This is an addiction which is hard to break. Do not tell him openly because he will feel guilty and wonder how you saw him. Without blaming him, try to find the cause of his masturbation. He might be watching porn videos or reading pornographic magazines.

This is an addiction

Drake Tumwine. He might have started masturbating long before you met and, therefore, it is a problem that can be cured by being friendly to him and occupying his free time. It is an addiction and you have to help him out of it with a lot of kindness and understanding.

Find way to help him

Michael Obai. Religious beliefs aside, scientifically, it does not cause any abnormalities. Psychologically, it can reduce one’s longing for a partner for sexual satisfaction which can cause problems in marriage. Talk to your husband and find ways to helping him.

It is not about you

Anthony Muzito. You are a great woman and enough for him. He needs support to get over it. Do not scare him by just coming out to ask. Take your time and find the best place and time to talk to your husband without being judgemental.

Feel free to talk to him

Victoria Allen. A marriage without communication is already doomed. This is a question that you should not be asking. You should be free to talk to your husband about anything. Maybe you should first fix this problem then find a way to talk about your husband’s behaviour.

What are your fears?

Jade Kazibwe. Before talking with your partner about masturbation, reflect on and assess your fears or concerns about this topic. Are you feeling insecure because you are concerned that your partner might be dissatisfied with the sex in the relationship? Or are you feeling concerned that your partner is no longer interested in having sex with you?

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation                

Additional information frompsychcentral.com