Is she in love with me or my money?

I am an entrepreneur in my late 20s. Seven months back, my childhood friend contacted me on Facebook and we started chatting. Although we had not been in touch for a while, she is now proposing that we get married. However, I earn seven times more than her and she has made it clear that she wants to live a luxurious life. Her social media feed is full of photographs of her on expensive holidays and I wonder how she affords it. She belongs to a middle-class family like mine and whenever we go out, I foot the bill. Is she in love with me or my money?  

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It seems you and your girlfriend have many underlying thoughts that you have not discussed as a couple. It is also possible that you are judging your girlfriend based on what you assume, such as the fact that she prefers to live a luxurious lifestyle. A number of people meet through social media and many go on to establish long lasting relationships. However, one should keep in mind that it takes time for a relationship to grow.

 Deciding to get married to someone takes commitment, which means that before the marriage, a lot of background work must be done. First, you must be friends who are able to communicate freely with each other. This is also the time to find out from the person you intend to marry what makes them love you. The answers they give will help generate a discussion and also enable you know your future partner better.

 Social media pictures may not necessarily mean that someone enjoys to live a luxurious life. Sometimes, the person may be struggling with self-acceptance or self-esteem or it could be a generational issue. This information may not be enough to conclude that she is expensive or luxurious. To establish this relationship, invite your girlfriend to a place where you can both sit and talk freely. Let her know your fears and in turn, let her talk about her fears as well. It is possible that you are both misunderstanding each other’s intentions.

 You can also suggest meeting with a relationship counsellor to further help you talk about this in a nonjudgmental environment. Remember, marriage is a decision and not a feeling and so, one needs to spend time preparing for it.

Trust is an issue in our society. According to the Pew Research Center, close to 71 percent of Americans believe people have less interpersonal confidence in one another today than they did two decades ago. What does this mean for relationships? Unfortunately, trust can be an issue there, too.  

Knowing how to deal with trust issues in a relationship can be challenging. Whether you are the one who has the issues with trust or you are dealing with a partner who has them, you need to learn how to deal with it if a lack of trust is preventing progress in your relationship.

Not being able to trust your partner, or being in a relationship with someone who does not trust you, can be exhausting, taxing, and overwhelming. It can cause tension, ruin good times and create an overall sense of anxiety in the relationship.

So, please deal with your trust issues before moving ahead with starting a serious relationship with your childhood friend.

Reader advice

Its you to propose

Winston Zepher Obeka. Who is proposing marriage here? In the African context, it is the man who proposes marriage to a woman. Accept that marriage proposal from your childhood friend on condition that she pays dowry and brings marriage gifts to your parents instead. If she objects to that, then let her take it easy and relax. Take your time and study her so that you make an informed decision.

She is after money

Patience Nampa Natie. You can clearly see that she is after your money. Just after a few months of dating and she is already proposing marriage? Take your time. Do not be rushed into doing something you will regret later.

Talk to her

Jane Nabanakulya. It can be a little confusing to judge someone from what they post on their social media. I would suggest that you spend some time with her and try to understand her better. This will give you a better understanding of her true intentions.

At least she is honest

Jackson Muzaale. She has been honest with you and set her terms and conditions. It is now up to you to also set your terms and conditions, or simply agree to hers.

What is she contributing?

Geoffrey Ssembajjwe. Evaluate the relationship. If you put more in it than she does, then you are operating at a loss. Contribution is not only money but working ideas, skills and enhancing your efforts.

Learn to be decisive

Phillip Kimbugwe.  Love is like driving a car and as the driver, you can take the relationship in any direction. The love she will have is the love you have cultivated and earned by your words and deeds. Try to teach her your ways, values and future goals. Do not be indecisive, let your yes mean yes and no mean no in your conversations.

Test her resolve

Michael Bwalatum. She loves the liquidity of your wallet more than she loves you. Therefore, try control the flow by tightening the tap of your wallet as you observe whether she will still keep pushing on for marriage.

She is not right for you

Davis Samuel Wante. Do not entertain broad day robbery. She is not interested in you but your earnings. She is not your type nor is she marriage material but only interested in hanging around men whom she thinks may help her explore the world. Look beyond sex and be patient for the right person.

Let her go

Phoebe Miriam. Your childhood friend just got in touch and is now proposing marriage....really? From your narrative, you do not love her. Her insatiable lust for money will soon turn you off and ensure you divorce sooner rather than later. She does not seem to really love you either. Marry someone whom your soul desires, a woman who will bring out the best in you and make you happy. Do not make an emotional decision. Let her go and continue searching for the right person.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation