I am torn between my current and ex-girlfriends

I love both my ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend almost equally. After the break-up with my ex, I seem to have failed to move on and my feelings for her have become stronger. I am also in love with my current girlfriend. As a Christian, I know I cannot marry both of them yet I do not want to lose either of them. Please advise.

Anonymous

You seem to be lost in a relationship maze and do not know how to get out of it. However, by seeking support, it means you want to regain control of the situation and you are one step into making the right decision.

You have stated that you have feelings for both your current and ex-girlfriend and say you love them equally. I want to say that it is possible that you are confusing infatuation to be love in this situation. Infatuation is an intense feeling which lasts a short time and is more interested in self-gratification. Love is much deeper than this, it is considerate of the other person’s feelings. You could be in a position where you want to find the love of your life but remember this comes with responsibility. You do not mention whether these two know about each other. They deserve to know the risk of being in a nonexclusive relationship and decide if they want to carry on in search of a relationship.

If you run both relationships silently behind them, you risk being guilty of living a deceitful life which you seem not to want to associate with since you mentioned that you are a Christian. If you find telling them about the kind of relationship difficult, then re-examine yourself and take time to differentiate if you are truly in love or infatuated.

Being an adult means taking responsibility for our actions and understanding the consequences of our behaviour. You will have to take a personal decision as a sign of maturity of how to move on in your relationship and face the situation now because delaying the choice knowingly makes you guilty of deliberate deceit.

Love thrives on truth, trust, and communication and so disclosing this enables you to be considerate of how your significant others feel about the whole situation.

It is difficult to be caught in a love triangle and the longer you spend in this situation, the easier it will be for you to lose both of your girlfriends. What should you do?

According to physicist Albert Einstein, we cannot solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. In other words, you still have the role of asking yourself in which relationship you feel the most fulfilled.

Do an introspection by turning your attention to examine your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This is essential and healthy if you are to have a happy and healthy relationship. Then find out what is keeping you from making a choice. Is it shame or blame? Shame will go like, ‘I cannot choose because I am afraid, broken, selfish and blame will be like, I cannot choose because none of them is meant to be my soulmate’.

Pointing fingers at an external factor will keep you in a passive and disempowered state. Some of these fears could stem from childhood and tools such as therapy and self-help books can help you move through old fears and feel empowered in love.

If your best friend was in such a spot and asked you for guidance, what would say to them? These questions are pathways designed to help you access your internal world and find the answers you need.

READER ADVICE

Get over her

Nampa Patience Natie. Maybe take some time for yourself first. You might be feeling confused about love, lust, and infatuation. It is hard to love two people equally. There was a reason you broke up with your girlfriend in the first place. Remember what that reason was and why it was so bad that you decided to end the relationship. Stick to that or reevaluate it, but do not deny yourself the chance to get over her and move on.

Use your head

Flo Rence. Anonymous, your heart will never be in agreement with your mind. Right now you are letting your heart control your life which is not smart. Give your head the chance to make decisions for you. When you say you love them both equally, I think that is not accurate. You must love one more than the other.

Marry them both

Moses Earthe. Tell them both the truth about what you feel. Tell them the intention to marry both of them. One of them may refuse and please let her go. If both agree, then marry both. Polygamy is actually good. Remember King David in the Old Testament? He married so many wives and one of them gave root to Jesus Christ birth. So, you may also start such a powerful lineage from one of your wives.

Fight it

Roline Nimusiima. I understand that getting over an ex can be very difficult but try hard to fight those feelings. Once you make up your mind, you will be able to overcome that attachment. If you do not know where to start, think about all the great things about your current girlfriend and why you broke up with your ex. This might help give you more clarity.

Take a break

David Nakabale. It is obvious you do not know what you want. How can you claim to have a girlfriend but then in the same breath say you are in love with your ex? Break up with the one you have and use this time alone to make up your mind. This time alone will give you clarity and a clear and right way forward.

Take a break

Jacob Kwesiga Gatasha. It is impossible to love two people at the same time. If you take time you will realise you love one of them and have lust for the other. It seems to me that you moved on to your current girlfriend too fast before you had healed from the breakup. Do yourself a favour and give yourself a break from dating for a while. Once your mind has cleared, you can then make a decision about whom to stay with.

You cannot love both

Jane Mukisa. Even the Bible says you cannot serve two masters at ago. Likewise, you cannot love two women at the same time unless when you want to be a cheater. Why did you leave her in the first place. Let go of your ex, which will also be a way to let her move on. You still have the role of asking yourself in which relationship you feel the most fulfilled

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation