Prime
If you don’t feel the relationship anymore
What you need to know:
When you are unhappy. Relationships are not always going to be fine and dandy 100 per cent of the time. There is a time when you do not feel happy with the person anymore and you need to voice your concerns. But how you go about it matters
When a person realises that he or she is no longer happy in a relationship, they will start to think of ways to fix the problem. When they cannot do it on their own, they will turn to their partner and voice out their concerns. As easy as that sounds, not many people find that option easy.
A lot of times, people allow the relationship to deteriorate to the point of no return, just because they were too afraid to tell their partner that they were unhappy in the first place.
Why are people afraid to talk to their partner?
A person can become unhappy in a relationship for a number of reasons, and this differs from person to person under different circumstances. So, when you arrive at a point where you realise that you cannot find the joy in your relationship anymore, you start to think about why it is happening.
You will find yourself questioning how you trying to fix things by yourself, and at some point you will wonder whether the relationship is going to survive. This is the time when you are supposed to talk to your partner and tell them how you feel.
Many people refuse to talk about their feelings not because they are afraid, but usually because they feel confused and do not know how to handle the situation. It is not just about what they want. Once they start to air out their concerns, it will become a problem for both of them.
The consequences of speaking up
Although it is helpful to talk about your problems, telling your partner that you are dissatisfied with your relationship can be very emotionally taxing. Some people refuse to tell their partner their feelings because they fear that they might hurt them. Others will try to push it aside thinking that the problem might go away on its own.
Most of these doubts come from their assumptions about what will happen once they tell their partner the truth. It is understandable that their partner will feel hurt or even lash out once the reality of the situation hits them.
Sometimes knowing what exactly will happen can be scarier than not knowing at all. Ask yourself: Are my capable of telling the truth no matter how much it might hurt my partner? Are my prepared to face the consequences in case they decide to break up with me after I tell them?
So many things can happen once the subject of your connection and happiness is questioned. It all depends on what you want to do with this information. Do you want to tell your partner you are unhappy so you can fix it? Or do you want to tell them because you want some space? Before you decide to tell them how you feel, you have to think about what you want in the long run.
There is no easy way to tell your loved one that you are not happy. The point of being in a relationship is to be with another person for the sole purpose of growing together and enjoying the moments you have together.
How to tell your partner you are unhappy
If the set-up is making you unhappy, then there is definitely something wrong with your connection to your partner. The only way you can fix it is by telling your partner how you feel and what you want to do about it. This will give them the chance to think about what they want as well and whether they feel the same way you do.
1. Think about why you are unhappy. Before telling your partner that you are having some doubts about the state of your relationship, consider first why you feel this way. You cannot just tell them that you suddenly started feeling disconnected from them. You have to assess your own feelings so that you can process it together.
2. Think of what you are going to say. Do not just present the problem to your partner and wing it. When you just blurt it out, your partner may not completely understand what you want to accomplish. If there is any misunderstanding, the situation will be that much harder to fix.
3. Prepare yourself for anything. Your partner may cry, get angry or even hurt you with their words. Finding out that the person you love is no longer happy can be very painful. Rational thinking might get thrown out the window because both your emotions are on overdrive.
4. Be the bigger person. No matter what happens, do not get baited into a fight. This conversation needs to happen and its purpose is to be honest with your partner. It is not meant to put the blame on anyone because you are both responsible for the relationship’s success. Be calm and explain yourself clearly. Do not use harsh words and always be mindful of your partner’s feelings.
5. Don’t leave anything out. Once your partner starts to get emotional, you might find yourself reluctant to say anything else. That is a bad idea because not discussing the problem would mean that you caused your partner unnecessary pain. You started it, so you better finish it.
6. Ask your partner what they want. Although you have your own views on how things should progress, you need to ask your partner what they want. Respect whatever it is they need. They may choose to end the relationship or work harder at it. Either way, you need to discuss it thoroughly before taking matters into your own hands.
7. Tell them what you want. It is a two-way street. The reason that you are unhappy is because you want something that is not there. It could be affection, sex, more time together, more time apart or just about anything. If you do not want to break up and they do, make them see that it is not the solution you are hoping for. If you want to break up and they do not, make them understand why it is better that way.
8. Get closure. Do not let the fight drag on for days or months. Make sure that you said everything that you needed to say. Allow them to tell you how they feel as well. If they need more time, give it to them. Just do not let the issue die down without being resolved. Sweeping the problem under the rug gives it a potential to haunt you again in the future.
9. Check on your partner. After talking about it, always check to see how your partner is doing. See if they are taking it well or if they are starting to formulate new solutions. Remember that their happiness is at stake too.
10. Review your relationship. If you chose to find a way to be happy again with your partner, observe the changes in your relationship. See if your discussion has helped in improving your feelings and connection. If nothing changes, you may need to discuss it again. If that fails, you may need to consider fixing the problem while you are apart.
The mere fact that you managed to talk about your problem with your partner can be a very big help. You can breathe easier knowing that you told the truth about how you feel. Some truths can hurt the people you love, but being honest about how you see the relationship is something that needs to be dealt with.
Just because you are unhappy, does not mean you should give up on the relationship. By talking to your partner about your problems, you can combine your efforts into making things right again. This is what a healthy relationship is all about.
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EXPERT TAKE. > IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY
Often times, there are things that make us unhappy in a relationship but you do not know how to tell your partner without offending them. Worse still, the thought of them overreacting or misunderstanding your message freaks you out.
Stephen Langa, a relationships expert at Family Life Network says the worst thing anyone can do is attack their spouse in an effort to put their point across.
“Instead of confronting them attackingly, tell them how what they are doing is affecting you. You can, for example, tell him that when they come back after 3am, you and the children feel insecure and unhappy,” he says.
Langa adds that such an approach will change the person’s attitude instantly yet when you attack them and accuse them for their actions, the person will become defensive or even stubborn simply to justify his action. Though Langa says such an approach will not spark off a negative reaction, experiences have showed that some spouses never want to be told how to act, so they may, therefore, have a negative reaction.
Scriptures in the Bible have a great way of dealing with this kind of overreaction and Langa advises that in such a scenario you remain calm.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs anger,” (Proverbs 15:1); A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult” (Proverbs 12:16); reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).
Therefore, the aggrieved party ought to make effort to understand their partner’s feelings and perspectives. This may not address the problem directly, but it will help you accept the reality of what you are dealing with and hence devise another strategy. Also, not giving in to rumours will let the person take time to reflect on your initial complaint. Acknowledging that some people are afraid to let their partners know that they no longer feel the fire in the relationship, Langa says such people are normally affected by societal and cultural beliefs.
He said this mostly affects women, who are made to feel inferior right from childhood and the men superior so much so that even when a man offends them, they fear to question his actions. “With such a fear you cannot enjoy a relationship. People should always know that they are both equal and valuable in a relationship,” he says.
Compiled by Lydia Ainomugisha
6 signs you are unhappy
1. You chase past feelings. It is okay to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it is a sign you are not on the right path.
2. Depressed. No matter what you do in life, you are going to have good and bad days. However, no matter what you are going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home.
3. You aren’t comfortable being yourself. Remember how your partner made you feel when you met? If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. It is up to you to decide how to handle that.
4. You can’t stop snooping. Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect.
5. You imagine a happier life without your partner. It is okay to daydream, but if all you are doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, though, it is a sign that you are in the wrong relationship.
6. You resent your partner. When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about them.
HOW WOULD YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER YOU ARE UNHAPPY?
“In case I am dissatisfied with my partner’s mistakes, I would call her to the bedroom and we discuss whatever is perturbing me. I believe if she is a person who respects me, then she will change,”
Denis Nyaka, manicurist
“If my spouse commits mistakes that really annoy me, I first take time to observe and find out why he is doing what he is doing. Then when I feel that I cannot hold it in my heart anymore, I tell him what is tearing our love,”
Jane Kasumba, businesswoman
“I know in a relationship there has to be some discontent, but I believe if it is my wife making me unhappy, I would discuss whatever is irritating me with her. If she is someone who understands, then she can avoid committing such mistakes,”
Patrick Byansi retail shop operator
“If my spouse is a free man, I would tell him face to face whatever has annoyed me. But if he is a short-tempered person, I would tell him through a letter or a chit,”
Gift Nankunda, Hair stylist
“If at all he is my husband or boyfriend, I tell him whatever is annoying me. However, I wait when he is in his free time. This, I believe, can give him time to acknowledge, assess and analyse his mistakes,”
Resty Nansamba, shop attendant
“I can tell her about the mistakes she is doing after we have had our supper. If she does not change, then I would involve her parents, that is if I introduced before we settled in a marriage,”
Mark Kalya, Plumber
Compiled by Joseph Kato
