My daughter-in-law physically abuses her son

Dear Anonymous,

This is surely unacceptable and I should say that your fears are reasonable. It is important that as the child’s grandmother and someone who has seen what is happening take steps to protect the child from further abuse. The behaviour explained above seems to suggest that your daughter-in-law transfers her anger to the innocent child. The violent temper could be a sign of an underlying issue.

 Despite all that she might be struggling with, saving this child from that kind of behaviour is paramount. Since she will not listen to you as indicated above, report to the nearest child protection unit at the police. If you have evidence of this happening, such as pictures, take it along. The police will know the right staff to send to your home to carry out investigations and also protect the child for now.

 You have not mentioned your own son getting involved in this family affair. I am sure he is the best person to deal with his wife other than you. It is possible that your daughter-in-law would rather listen to your son and not you. Sometimes, such behavior is a sign that the relationship between the parents is in turmoil. Let your son be a father to your grandson, taking the lead in finding out what is triggering his wife’s anger to the extent of torturing her own child.

 I suggest that after settling the issues pertaining to your grandson, let your son calmly sit with his wife and find the best way to talk about her behaviour, especially the physical abuse of her son. It will be important to support her to meet a counsellor who will work through her struggles and be able to help her be self-aware.

Just like your daughter-in-law, many people today struggle with mental health issues that are salient until they go through a very stressful period that will bring this behaviour to the fore.

Unfortunately, this is the time when others will also be able to notice what is going on.

Every individual has a chance to reform once they get help.

Preventing abuse. The major reasons for physical and psychological maltreatment of children within the family often are a parent’s feelings of isolation, stress, and frustration. Parents need support and as much information as possible in order to raise their children responsibly.

They need to be taught how to cope with their own feelings of frustration and anger without venting them on children. They also need the companionship of other adults who will listen and help during times of crisis.

Sup­port groups through local community organisations often are helpful first steps to ease some of the isolation or frustration parents may be feeling.

READER ADVICE

It will affect the child

Judith Nabanalya. Hitting a child in anger is illegal in many countries. However, some countries have stringent laws about it whereas in some places, it is not taken as a serious offense. In Uganda, spanking a child may seem common and might help in the short term but it is ineffective and psychologically harmful. Children who experience physical abuse by their parents quite often learn that using physical force or strength is a common and acceptable way to solve problems.

Involve the father

Deogratius Matovu. I comprehend that your older daughter-in-law is behaving violently towards her son and as a grandparent, you are extremely worried about him. You stated that she uses the child to manipulate you to do for her things. I get that it is painful for you to see that every time she is angry she hits the son. Have you discussed this with your son? Please involve him and ask him to speak to her.

Have a word with her

Joan Nsubuga. I would recommend that you speak with her and understand what is making her behave so strangely with her child. Is she going through some stress? Maybe she is unable to manage new responsibilities of being a mother, maybe she needs guidance. You can consider approaching a family counsellor who can help you all deal with this situation better.

Report the case to police

Moses Earthe. Where is the father of the child? Since you mentioned the word ‘we’, meaning other family members are aware of this problem, then invite her parents, if not, get evidence of torture, report to police child protection unit desk.  If your son also failed to manage his wife, they will both loose custody of the child.

Take her to a counsellor

Victoria Joy. I am not an expert but it seems your daughter is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. After giving birth, some women start to feel a lot of emotions including towards their children. Some will come to hate their children thinking that they are the reason they are no longer ‘enjoying’ life like they did before. This is a serious medical condition which should be treated instead of condemning her. Try seeking help from a counsellor and if possible, go with her.

Get her help

David Musoke. There is not a single mother I know who would willingly mistreat their child while in their right mind. This woman is obviously going through something and needs some help. Instead of criticising her, please help her get some help.

Let your son take over

Joy Mwangi. Talk to your son about this and see what he says. If he is supportive of the wife, then let him take care of the baby as she gets treatment and counselling.

Back off

Philomena Nassali. I know that as grandparents you love and want to take care of your grandchild but you should know your limits. Maybe this is her way of telling you to back off and let her take care of her duties and family.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation