She flirts with every man she meets

I met a woman and we immediately conceived. I went ahead and introduced myself to her family (Kukyaala) and promised to marry her. However, I have recently started noticing behaviours that I am uncomfortable with. She is a compulsive liar and flirts with every man she meets. Recently, she received a phone call from our builder and she spoke to him for more than 15 minutes in my presence. Although we do not speak the same language, I could get the gist of their conversation. When I confronted her about it, she stormed out of the house and to date, I have not received an explanation. Should I call it quits?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

I can imagine the anxious state you are in. Quitting or not quitting is a personal decision. I would rather that whatever you decide to do, wait until you cool down and be able to make an informed decision.

The Cambridge dictionary defines flirting as behaving as though you are sexually attracted to someone but playfully rather than with serious intentions. According to experts, flirting can become habitual since it is a feel-good activity.

Flirting is common among both men and women. Relationship experts add that one may think their flirting is done in innocence, but it may be due to something they are either consciously aware of or not aware of, but it “meets some kind of emotional need for the person engaging in the behaviour”. This means that if you flirt with others and they respond, it could feel fantastic and of course, one may want to do more to feel good.

I may not be sure if your wife’s flirting is something she just enjoys doing or it is an indication of an emotional need. You also mentioned that she is an expectant mother. Her storming out looks like an emotional reaction that might be out of hand due to the hormonal changes. This is only an assumption since I have not met her or you.

Attend to your own feelings and how you interpret the whole situation. Do some calming exercises through breathing. When you get a chance of speaking to her during your coolest moment, let her know that her behaviour creates insecurity between you and her. Be clear with how this makes you feel and if she wants to explain let her do it her way. Most of the issues can only be better solved through clear communication and with no emotions attached. Once you attach emotions, the other person will also charge, and instead, nothing will be solved since emotions beget emotions.

This being a new relationship, you can seek the services of a marriage counsellor to help take you through premarital counselling and give you an avenue to discuss what an ideal relationship would mean to each of you.

Reader advice

Handle it with poise

David Matovu. The only way to handle your partner’s flirting is to handle it with poise. First check in; is this something you would do to your partner? If no, then you need to get honest with them, quickly before it turns into resentment and insecurity. Being poised, graceful, and calm is the best way to have a conversation and actually be heard, rather than having the other person get defensive and turning it into a major fight unnecessarily.

Find common ground

Jane Lassfolk. If part of the issue is that they are flirty by nature and do not realise when they are actually flirting in front of you and when everything is okay, agreeing on a way to let them know that they are crossing a line can be a good idea. But in order to be on the same page and come up with a common solution to the problem avoid bringing the conversation when your partner is annoyed.

Have a discussion

Joel Muddu. Sometimes, flirting with other people is okay in one relationship and so, if you do not address it early on, your partner might think that it is okay with you too. Individuals may flirt for fun, a confidence boost, or to get a good table at a restaurant. Discuss with your partner how each of you feel about flirting, when it is okay versus when it is not okay, when does it cross a line, and what the intention behind the flirting is.

Deal with it now

James Mzuri. I think it is high time you talked with your wife before this whole situation gets out of hand. Otherwise you might end up like me who thought I had four children when two of them where not mine. Left to grow, such small behaviours can turn into something worse.

Is there a good side?

MJ Josey. Your wife is not an angel; speak to her. You are supposed to be her number one support system and if you just see the bad in her, she might also react by showing you that other men can also admire her.

Run for dear life

Mac JB Bukenya. Lies, deceit, untrustworthy, unfaithfulness? Set her free before you get to a point of no return. I have always believed that if you love someone, you will avoid any behaviour that intentionally hurts your partner. It seems she enjoys seeing you hurt. This is a toxic relationship.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation