My girlfriend lied to me about a man. How do I trust her again?

I am a doctor and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (who is a doctor too) for quite some time. One day, she sent me a conversation between her and another man in which she wrote, “Did I bite you hard?” When I inquired about this, she came up with some story which turned out to be false. We argued and she promised me that there was nothing going on between them she will not talk to him again. Since they still work in the same hospital, it is hard to believe her words. How do I trust her again? Anonymous. 

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for asking. I can imagine how heartbroken you must be feeling. One of the most important aspects of a relationship is trust. Once lost, it can be hard to rebuild it. Catching someone in a lie never feels good, especially if it is someone you are supposed to love and trust completely. 

Your girlfriend and the person she lied about are also professionally connected and it is not easy to tell us all the details. I understand that she broke your trust once, but maybe she has now realised the mistake she made and will not repeat it again. You also mentioned that she is not indulging in any suspicious activity anymore.

 Therefore, the lack of trust is maybe coming from your end. You are not able to get over her lie and that is absolutely natural. When we go through any kind of loss, we tend to go through grief stages that are quite similar to bereavement grief and sometimes, until we resolve the pain, moving on becomes a nightmare. 

This means you need to observe your emotions and find out if this is the cause. Accept the pain and work through it either with a deeper discussion with your girlfriend for reassurance or seek intervention from a counsellor.

 But all the same, what needs to be decided is if you still love her despite her mistake. This is a personal decision that is good to make after looking at all sides of the coin and also healing psychologically so you do not make an irrational decision and regret it later. 

 What has worked for some people is first attending to one’s own emotions, seeking support, discussing what they feel with the one who hurt them, forgiving themselves and the other person and then, deciding if they want to reconcile or not.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation