My in laws want to control my home

I belong to a lower-class family and this was known to my wife and her parents before we got married. My wife comes from a rich family but never imposed anything on me nor acted differently before marriage. However, immediately after the wedding, my in-laws started controlling everything, right from our monthly home expenses to what we eat and drink. I asked my wife to talk to them but she thinks it is how they show love. It is humiliating to the point that I now fear going for any family gatherings where I know they will be present. What should I do?

Jason.

Dear Jason,

Although there is no rule that you have to like you in-laws in order to be in a happy relationship, you do have to figure out how to deal with them. When dealing with in-laws means suffering from anxiety or increased conflict in your relationship, it is time to find a better way to cope with your new family.

Many people find dealing with in-laws to be a tremendous challenge. Your in-laws may have strong opinions that you do not agree with or interact with others in a way that is uncomfortable or offensive to you. Coexisting is a wonderful notion but no one said it was easy.

For your own peace of mind and the health of your relationship, it is worth thinking about how to find a sustainable way to deal with extended family. Although it can take a little finesse in discussing this with your partner, let them know that you are having a hard time spending time with their family. The goal in discussing this topic is to become a better team in dealing with extended family.

Remember that you are not opposing the in-laws, so try not to insult or blame them as this may put your partner on the defensive. Also, keep in mind that your wife may not see anything wrong with her family’s behaviour.

Instead, try to focus on how uncomfortable you feel in dealing with in-laws. Let her know how much their support means to you and how she can best support you when you spend time with family. Even small moments of connection together like a quick kiss in the bathroom or a gentle hand squeeze under the table can help you in tense moments. 

Try to not make it so your wife has to pick sides. Think of it as recruiting support rather than positioning for battle.

In dealing with in-laws, one of the most important things you can do as a couple is to hear each other out with love and compassion, remembering that you are committed to each other’s well-being. Your priority is your relationship as a couple as well as your comfort levels together when you are with the in-laws. 

If you can each be sensitive to each other’s needs, it may make the time spent with in-laws much easier.

Reader advice

Stand your ground

Jane Mukisa. Tell your spouse that her parents cannot interfere in your marriage. Start there. If she does not get the point across to her parents, then you will have to put your foot down and tell them yourself. My in-laws would interfere in my marriage when we were having conflicts. Because of this, I would avoid being in the same physical space as them as. I forbade them coming to my house. When they would come unannounced, I literally did not come home and purposely did not tell my wife when I was coming home. Clearly she hated that. It did not take long before they stopped this behaviour and all is better now.

Support your partner

David Nakabale. It may be helpful to let her deal with her parents if they are disrespectful to you. When your in-laws do not have to talk to you or see you directly, this can prevent them from being able to act rudely towards you or hurt your feelings. You should always have your spouse’s back, and they should have yours. After all, you are the only two people in the relationship. Everyone else must understand this and act accordingly.

Set boundaries

Jude Woods. Toxic in-laws are something that you may have to deal with, no matter how much of a good match you are with your spouse. Sometimes, parents are unable to let their child grow up and in turn, want to control their life and relationship well into adulthood. One of the best things to do if you have in-laws that are disrespectful is to ensure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to how you want to live your life and enact rules and boundaries that others in your life, including your in-laws, need to abide by.

Live your life

Patricia Essie. Be yourself and live your life the way you need and have to. Since you did not hide anything from your wife while dating, she married you knowing what to expect. If she loves you and loves her marriage, she will follow suit. Otherwise, she can go back to her family so they continue showing her love.

Accept their help

Ali Mukasa. You are lucky to have a wife from a rich family. Just enjoy yourself and be thankful to God that you have a family that is willing to help you where you cannot.

They love you too

Freddie Rukundo. The problem is that you are uncomfortable with the fact that you cannot provide for your family. So, love your wife and her parents and you may end up getting great financial help from them. They love their daughter and do not want her to lack even though she is now married. Be careful lest you spoil something good.

Stay away from them

Nipra Mubiru. Avoid them completely. When your wife asks why you are behaving this way, tell her you will only start respecting them if they leave you take care of your own home.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation