Jamirah is so beautiful that any man would want to hitch. But she has been in and out of relationships like a revolving door.
“I don’t know whether I am cursed or not but every relationship I get into never works. I am now 38 years old. Is it my fault?” She asks with a worried look on her beautiful face.
Some people like Jamirah never get to know what happened to them. If they are in church, they will probably be told that their problem is spiritual and hence they will need deliverance sessions (that can hold for some cases) but often than not, the problem might lie somewhere among the following:
Poor communication skills
Communication involves giving information and receiving feedback. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to communicate your needs calmly, honestly, and respectfully and willing to receive feedback in the same way.
This means that both partners are heard, understood, and appreciated thereby strengthening the bond. But if you bottle up your feelings or rant and rave, becoming violent in the process, that relationship will most likely fail and if you do it too many times, be sure to hop from one relationship to another.
Perfectionism
You want this perfect person who perfectly understands you and perfectly does everything as you would want it…You call this “high standards”. Darling, that person exists only in your mind and films. Relationships are built and thrive on compromise.
If they have six out of the 10 qualities you are looking for, you should be able to compromise on the four and move on. This is what I have always told my friend “Solomon”. He is picky and difficult to please. He is also critical and a fault- finder. Every girl he meets has a problem. And now tending towards 50 years of age without a woman or child, he has started panicking and I fear he is going to make mistakes.
Pride
If you are a proud person, you can as well say bye to having a successful relationship. You may be as dead gorgeous as Marilyn Monroe or as intelligent as Einstein but if you are not humble, you might struggle through starting or maintaining a life-long relationship. It is one of the reasons why average-looking girls get married faster than most beautiful ones.
Lack of confidence
Some people are turned off by people who lack confidence; confidence to make independent decisions, confidence to be themselves, confidence to speak up. Such was the case with Melissa, “I was this “potato” that had this huge inferiority complex.
In relationships, I came off as emotionally-dependent and needed another person’s approval and validation. All the time I behaved like a weakling, my relationships failed until I learned that I needed to develop some self-confidence. It took a lot of introspection and appreciation of myself as an individual. After this personal metamorphosis, my next relationship succeeded and I am now happily married.
Impulsiveness
Some people are naturally unstable. They will stay in a relationship as long as the thrill exists, but if it is over, they will jump ship to the next without thinking much about it. These are people you meet at 25 years of age but they have been through 10 relationships some lasting as short as a week! They lack the emotional stability and resilience to stick it out.
Such is Donah. She has three children (all under seven years of age) from three men and five relationships and she will admit it was because of her impulsiveness that she got here, “I think I am impulsive. As long as my feelings tell me that I am tired of this relationship, I spare not time in moving on.
But I have learned from these mistakes that I ought to be slower in making short-term decisions that will have long-term impacts. I am now tired of men and looking after my children.”
Thinking that love is enough
Some people think that love is enough to sustain a relationship. They couldn’t be more wrong. It takes more than goosebumps and butterflies in your stomach to make a relationship work. It is work to provide for the needs of a relationship. It is intentionality. It is the focus. “Lindah” has just walked away from “Moses” for the same reason. She says, “He does not want to find work. Every attempt I have made to make him see that we need money to take care of our relationship needs has fallen on deaf ears. He is obstinate and no-good.
“James” came along recently and I clinched to move on with him without telling Moses. You just have to let sleeping dogs lie! I am no boy’s Mama!”
Comparisons with the past
Okay, she was a great mother and wife to you but she moved on or died and you have to move on. Sorry! Trouble is you are looking for someone exactly like her and you have been through the drill 10 times. Until you get tired, welcome to relationship failure 101! You cannot be stuck in the past and hope to move in the present. You have to choose one. Let go of the history and embrace the new reality. People are different so prepare yourself to meet someone new.
Self-centredness
Relationships are about “give and take”. If you are not willing to give, do not think of taking. No one wants to relate with a parasite or leech. Unfortunately some people come into relationships with this view and they never last because they are either ejected by partners who do not like to be preyed on or they eject themselves when they meet an equally self-centred partner.
If they don’t understand the principle that we get into relationships to principally give, they will jump into the next relationship, behave the same wrong way, get similar results, and wonder why.
Bad influences
If you are surrounded by folks who do not believe in enduring relationships and you are listening to them, you are likely to suffer the curse of broken relationships. If every time you have a disagreement with your boyfriend and your friends or family tell you to check out immediately rather than understanding and resolving the matter, know you are headed for another failed relationship.
Ask Eva, a mother of five sons: “Tom was not the best husband but at least he did his best. Because he did not have a stable income, my girlfriends advised me to leave him for my boss, which I did. My boss was already married so I became a side chick.
It has not been easy for the last five years. All I have got are three more sons from this relationship and endless bickering and fights with the boss’s wife while Tom walked down the isle with another woman two years ago. His fortunes changed, he now provides well for his children and he is happier than I have ever seen him. I wish I had not listened to my peers.”
Wrong assumptions, prejudices and biases
“They are fine only if they came from this tribe or had that status or are this tall or had that skin colour…”, you constantly tell yourself, judging him/her based on your prejudices about these characteristics, some of which might be untrue.
Some people keep waiting, hoping to relate with someone from the “right” tribe or status or height, or whatever, only to wait longer or ruin potential good relationships that are not what their minds or society told them. People should be judged on their own merit as individuals and appreciated for who they are and not what your grandmother told you about them.
The above factors are some that may have been responsible for keeping you in a vicious cycle of relationship failure but successful relationships are not hard to find if you have the right mindset and a few ingredients.
