A relationship is always between two people. Photo/Shutterstock.
Human beings like to relate and connect with others. It is intrinsic within us. And with adages like “your network is your net worth” being thrown around like they are the discovery of the century, people are going all the distance to connect and make friends. But at what cost?
Gordon and Angela narrate, “We allowed this guy into our lives and family. We knew him from our church’s fellowship. He seemed to be a good business and godly man. He borrowed some little money from us in the beginning and paid back. He later borrowed more and bigger but never paid back. It has been three years since he left the church. We learned that he scammed others the same way. The man was a conman.”
Conmen are just one of those people you should keep a safe distance from your marriage. Maintaining a strong and healthy marriage involves surrounding yourself with supportive and positive individuals. Here are some types of people you may want to consider keeping at a distance from your marriage:
1. Marriage haters
These are people who are not happy that you are happily married. They would rather see you sad, sour, and single. They hate to see you flourish as a couple because they are failures in their own marriages. They are borderline witches. “Sam” and “Sandra” narrate about their friend “Jocelyn”. “She was close to us because she was our mutual friend from high school.
She was always the first person we talked to every time we had issues in our marriage because she was also our immediate neighbour. But our red flags went up when we learned that she was always advising us to separate or divorce. In hindsight, we should have slapped ourselves in the face to think we could get sound advice from a single mother of three children from three men. We stopped sharing with her about our lives and all is left of our relationship is a “hi”.
2. Smooth talkers
These will worm themselves into your good graces with convincing words and take advantage of you without you noticing. You need to be on high alert to detect them. Paul and Pauline found out the hard way: “My wife and I had an older man who wanted us to work for him. We were not willing at first because we felt it would take much of our time and give us little rewards in return.
“In trying to convince us, he told us he would do anything for us that he had never done for his children! That was the red flag for us! We knew he was lying through his teeth. Being a politician and fake pastor, we later learned he was, we cut him off.”
3. Energy vampires
They are vampires who will suck life out of you leaving you exhausted and drained. Every moment spent with them is a waste of energy. You always come off meeting them feeling emotionally drained. They may be friends, or relatives. I recall my wife and I had such a friend. He was a talkative, argumentative, and hot-headed young man.
He dominated conversations and if you shared an idea with him or if he asked a question and you attempted an answer, you opened yourself up to an argument. We decided we were not adding value to him so we slowly started cutting him off. As time went by, we became distant.
4. Hopeless critics
No matter how much you do to please these people, they will always find fault with you. And if they are family, you are stuck with them, prison would sound like a better option. They are always in the opposing corner, never celebrating you but always attacking you like loose rabid dogs.
Jamil and Hanifah will tell you about one: “Hajji is my uncle. He has always been generous to us when we were growing up. He became our father when my father passed away so he looked after us and paid our way through school. But Hajji is difficult to please. He wants to dictate what we do in our house. He has told us of the number of children he thinks we should have, how Hanifah should cook our food, etc but we have rejected all that. He is always critical of me for allowing my wife the freedom to be herself. We steer clear of him these days at family functions but most times we call in sick or busy.”
5. The loose gossips
A story is told of three pastors who went to a pastor’s conference and were all sharing one room. During the conversation one pastor said, “Our people come to us and pour out their hearts, confessing sins and needs. Confession is good for the soul. Let’s do the same.”
The first pastor said, “Let me start by confessing my secret sin. I just love to gamble. When I go out of town I find the nearest casino and it is cha-ching cha-ching, let the slot machines ring.”
The second pastor said, “My secret sin is that I just love to drink. When I go out of town, I find the nearest bar and take a sip of something.”
The third pastor just sat there in silence. Finally, at the encouragement of the others, the pastor said, “My secret sin is gossiping and I just can’t wait to get out of this room.”
There are people in your life who are like the last pastor. They cannot wait to get out of your sight and tell others everything you have told them. Gossip ruins reputations, destroys confidence, and steals joy in relationships you do well to cut off any loose gossip around you.
6.Spouse poachers/partner predators
These people are out to seduce you or your spouse. They are calculative, nice, and will exploit any vulnerabilities, sympathies, kindness, and vanities in the relationship to take advantage of the naive and unsuspecting couple.
They can also be flirtatious, often ignoring the boundaries set by the couple. Shamim, a married woman and mother of three will tell you, “There was this man at office. He was our HR. He began by being kind to me; letting me off the hook when I erred and was clearly in need of a reprimand, sending me birthday gifts, and dropping me off after work.
At first, I took it that it was the kindness of the gentleman in him but I later noticed it was abnormal for a normal workplace relationship. My guards went up and to be accountable I talked to my husband about the situation. I stopped accepting favours and taking calls from him and the relationship consequently collapsed.”
7. Mindless meddlers
These people do not respect your spouse or your relationship. They may be your friends or relatives. They probably disprove, or dislike your partner and will question your judgement of them. They are people with dark personalities such as narcissism and sadism.
One such fellow, according to ‘Henry” was his auntie, “Grace“, “Auntie Grace never married and never had a child of her own but she raised us. But we knew her to be cold, calculative, and controlling. She takes herself to know what is best for us and wants to run our lives as if on remote control. We have taken steps to reduce her influence in our lives by keeping away from her.”
It is important to keep an open eye on the types of people you have around you and your marriage so you keep away those that may have adverse effects such as these enumerated above.
