THE PROBLEM: She has refused to come back

We then immediately started staying together and she introduced me to her mother and I did the same. Recently, she started receiving calls and messages from men; some from abroad wanting to marry her. These calls became frequent and every time I asked her about them, she reluctantly told me that they meant nothing.

Life became hard as she seemed unbothered about what I felt every time the calls came in. I told her to tell them she was married, but the calls never ended. I decided that maybe we needed to separate for about a month so that we could rekindle our love after missing each other. She rejected the suggestion even when I insisted.
One weekend she went to the village to see her mum and met a man who once dated her in her S.6 vacation. When she came back she accepted the idea of us separating and told me she was leaving for good. I was shocked and fell sick.

I later realised that she was moving out with this man. I pleaded with her to change her mind, but she refused. We split all the things that we bought together and she left. Life has become miserable for me since then and I have lost weight.

I have tried all means to bring her back to the extent that we went to her mum to help use reconcile and she accepted to come back to me, but when we came back to town, she got back with the other man. She rented a house and promised never to show me the place. Indeed she shifted when I was at work and just sent me a message telling me she was gone! She sends me messages telling me she misses me very much and feels like she should have never left me, but at the same time something pushes her away from me. When she is not with me, she feels like being around me and even calls me, but when we are together, she does not feel like being with me.

What can I do to forget all the memories because they are torturing me! She shows that she really loves me and I believe so because I have never doubted her love. It has always been real though she has insisted that she can’t come back to me because she feels she let me down. I have told her to put all that in the past and we start afresh, but she has refused. What should I do?
Calvin

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READERS' ANSWERS

Cut off connections
The cardinal rule is; never beg a woman to come back because even if she does, how long will it take before she leaves again? Also, mind about your life because she has been on the sexual network. I would suggest that you cut off all connections with her. Being close to her just keeps you in the exact spot she wants you to be.
So, break off all ties. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but think of what she put you through. Lastly, make yourself available to love again.
Paul Jjunju,
MUK

Join social circles
Love at times is a deception built on false hope. In this case, you are locked in the box which I normally call love and are disillusioned, thinking that your ex is the only available person for you.
There are all pointers that the she lost attraction towards you and her actions and calls are expected. You were always there for her so she sometimes feels the void of your absence - which is natural.
I advise you to start building more social circles and also get involved in other activities like church and community activities, they will pre- occupy your mind while helping you broaden your social base.
Also, this may be a spring board for you to discover new love. Love gone bad is irreplaceable and I believe there is love after love.
Enock Nyorekwa Twinoburyo

She doesn't deserve you
At 26, you are still young and God will find you another woman who loves you. This lady does not love you so do not be deceived. If she loved you, she would not have run away from you and cohabited with another man.
Next time, do not make the mistake of cohabiting with a woman without a formal marriage. There was nothing to commit this woman to you so she found it easy to leave you. If you have gone through a proper marriage procedure, say, introduction and wedding, maybe the story would be different.
After four years together, she must have a reason why she chose to leave you for another man. Unfortunately, she may never reveal the reason to you. Could it be that she wanted a child and you did not?
You said that she is currently staying with a man who dated her during S.6. Could it be that she wanted a man from her own tribe? This is to assume that you are not of the same tribe. Whatever the case may be, she is now gone and please do not try to persuade her back and if she comes back, do not accept her.
Ben

Make up your mind
Actions speak louder than words in most cases. What your girlfriend tried to show was that she is no longer interested in you. Handling a relationship requires wisdom and tact which you don’t seem to have.
You needed to ask her right away whether there was anything wrong you had done and probably organise a meeting in a special place to discuss any problems that could have cropped up.
Stopping a mature person like your girlfriend from receiving calls is not a solution.
Receiving those calls was a sign that something was amiss and needed to be fixed, but you were reluctant to persue it.
I advise you to call it off because it may be too late to get her back now that other men who may be more serious have taken her up. It should be a lesson for you never to take things for granted.
Patricia N.K,
Mbuya, Kampala

You deserve better
It is sad that you have suffered at the hands of love, but I have to be honest with you, you are the one prolonging pain for no reason. I think you don't know how good you are and what you deserve.
The signs are already clear that she is not into you, but she just feels sorry for you. She doesn't want to give you a jolt by leaving you suddenly and this may be because you treated her well, but she just doesn't feel the love for you anymore.
Don't blame yourself because this is natural; sometimes people may lose feelings for others. I am sorry for you, but I suggest that you move on. You will get someone who will love you back. Time is the best healer.
Hajji Yassin Bakaluba

Move on
Thank God that the woman you thought to be your wife has gone at such an early stage. Please re-organise yourself for yet another lady who will be your wife. Those are the hurdles people go through with relationships.
You will even be a good husband now that you have some experience in love.
Do not look back because those are the instances people acquire HIV/Aids from. Just move on, God has a better plan for you.
Kaaya C.T

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Next week

I can't maintain a relationship

I am a 28 year old lady, working and educated up to a diploma level. I have always wanted to upgrade to a degree in vain because I have had poor paying jobs yet I have to use the money to meet my needs and those of my sibling.
I am good-looking and faithful. I am also positive in life and patient to the extent that I always hope things will work out even when I am going through tough times.
However, I feel I am getting very old yet I am not in any serious relationship with a man because I have always had problems with relationships. The longest relationship I have ever been in lasted for one year.
I have tried to figure out if the problem is with me or the men because I have always respected them. In return, all I get from them is disappointment including those who present themselves as Mr Right. I have also prayed, but it seems not to work yet I feel I need to have a family of my own.
Sometimes I attribute it to my family; I come from a polygamous family so this sometimes makes me feel that my step mother did something to stop me from succeeding in relationships and career.
I have not told my mother my concern, but she is suggesting that she takes me to a female traditional herbalist whom she was told will help me get a man for marriage. I don’t think it is the right decision because something tells me it will not work out.
How can I find a reliable and respectful man to settle down with? Please help me.

Mercy Uwera

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