Prime
In UG, everyone is playing Russian roulette
What you need to know:
- The only real problem in this country is that the people who are eating, are eating alone, and they are silent. And once someone has eaten, they invent some reason. Mbu I took a loan, I invested in bonds, I did what...
Nothing prepared me for the ‘are you married?’ question that comes quite often when one arrives in their ‘30s without a baby or a partner. But people, if this marriage thing is so good, would you ever tell us? Ugandans only invite you to things where suffering is involved. Like you see, when a Ugandan notifies you about a business opportunity, quite often you will be the business. At best, it will be another network marketing thing. I suspect this over obsession with marriage and settling down has to do with some pity party. You people do not want to suffer alone. Those traps I have refused.
Now speaking of babies, I am also rethinking these projects. Why on earth should I add to the statistics of the 48 million? Is it not mean to go give birth and raise a child in Kampala? As in, being Ugandan is the biggest risk that exists. In Uganda, day and night, everyone is playing Russian roulette. Even those that seem clever, never survive. Did you see Michael Ross with a new song? In a serious country, dude would not be fussing with break-dancing at that age. That is not passion, that is just the thing the country does to everyone. And the problem is, the ones who make it in this game, never reveal the true story. Just like how when a Ugandan narrates a story and says; ‘I know of a friend...’ and then adds how the friend is doing some weird things. Nine out of 10, they are the friend. What am I even saying today people? The only real problem in this country is that the people who are eating, are eating alone, and they are silent. And once someone has eaten, they invent some reason.
Mbu I took a loan, I invested in bonds, I did what... Good people, where are the Ugandans getting the money to invest in bonds? You see, if this country really worked, there is no way Chameleone would still be hoarding himself in every bar around this town. But Uganda in the end forces all of us to play Russian roulette. No one is going to win. Everything is always trying to kill you in Uganda. You could be the most disciplined fellow in this country only to be swallowed by the floods of Kampala. In Uganda, whether you play or not, you are already playing.
Yes, Bobi Wine’s song is still relevant, in this Uganda, buli omu asiiba kiwanyi. In Kampala, you just find your people, a group of people, and cook them. There is no need to explain. Mbu you see when you are unemployed in Uganda, you never admit. You just tell people that you are into consulting. When I meet Ugandans, they all claim to be doing well. Naye the results on ground. The only Ugandans doing well good people, are the ones that have found something or someone to cook. Now Bebe Cool is having a stone quarry. But people, remember the saying, money hates noise. Whenever you see money making noise, then it is using that noise to cook. Mbu to cook people well in Kampala, you must always invest in a sleek ride and a sleek army of propagandists.
Just get people to talk about you, and then you will cook. Yes, have you not heard stories of Ugandan Tiktokers who’ve constructed apartments? Hehehe people, in Uganda, everyone is cooking. As Bebe Cool said, mbozi za malwa. Good people, now we have confirmed two things that all of us are living lies. I used to think it was just most Ugandans living a lie. But no, every Ugandan is living a lie. By the mere fact that you live in Uganda, that is a lie enough. Forget those lies mbu Ki-Uganda kinyuma. No way, it is just that you have no other option. You are stuck here with us. Remember the times when investment clubs were the thing. Yes, in Uganda, it is all about covering up. Act like it is well. But people it is not well.
Yes, the fact that we have to raise money to earn conjugal rights, that is proof that things are not well. So, next time you meet a Ugandan and they are jazzing you their success stories, please start singing that ka-song ‘alimba alimba alimba.’ No story adds up in Uganda. Let’s gazette the last Friday of every month to pat each other on the back and say; ‘thanks for cooking.’ Because everyone in Uganda is cooking someone, cooking something or is being cooked.
That said, are the ba-summers coming over? Which country is sending ba-summer? Is it still another year for the Dubayas? You know they are the only ba-summer left in Uganda. The other ba-summer now fear Uganda. Anti we have to always raise air tickets for them. Imagine even the ba summer class has become extinct.
At least those days they would bring us bu-funny T-shirts and remodeled phones. Not these days. These days you just bump into a mu-summer in Kiyembe, he darts one eye then disappears into Avemar. This Russian roulette should be re-branded to Ugandan roulette. X: @ortegatalks
Next time you meet a Ugandan and they are jazzing you their success stories, please start singing that kasong ‘alimba alimba alimba.’ No story adds up in Uganda.
