Did you know that a child’s birth order influences their personality?
Parenting need to be cognizant of the fact that every child is different and should be treated as such. PHOTO/NET
What you need to know:
Parents are careful to get every parenting decision right when it comes to first borns. They are usually burdened with responsibility as they grow. They act as assistant parents and parents have high expectations of them.
It was Alfred Adler, an Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist, and founder of the school of individual psychology, who first came up with the “birth order theory” positing that the order in birth of a child shapes their personality.
In parenting, a child’s personality influences the way you parent them, if you are the sensitive kind. You cannot superimpose your personality on a child. That would be cloning. They have a personality too that may be distinct from yours and you need to acknowledge and guide them.
Let us explore four birth orders and three other family situations and how we can parent them appropriately:
First borns
Parents are careful to get every parenting decision right. First borns are usually given some burden of responsibility as they grow. In most cases, they act as assistant parents.
This accounts for their type “A” personality, which bends toward leadership. In fact according to research, first borns are 30 percent more likely to become chief executive officers or politicians than their siblings. In some cases, first borns possess an IQ advantage over their siblings because according to research published in the Journal of Human Resources, they are better at cognitive tests right from infancy and this explains why they gravitate towards academics more than their siblings. They can also be perfectionists.
How does one parent them?
First-borns do the bulk of the household chores, but remember they are but children. Do not overload them. They may be gifted as listeners and the closest to you, but that is no reason for you to confide in them your personal problems as a parent.
It is okay to have noble expectations of them, but these must be within their skill and gift set. You may want them to achieve stellar grades in class, be the most organised or the best sports man in their school, but if they are not cut out for it, do not force it or you will be frustrating them.
Middle borns
They are not given as much attention as the first. Parents at this stage, have gained some experience and know what to do. They are often neglected; a phenomenon called “middle child syndrome, especially if the family is large. As result, they learn to negotiate their way through life by compromise. They are notable for having a large number of friends outside the family than the first or last borns.
On one side, they may be the easiest to get along with because they are predictably the most agreeable, or become people-pleasing because they want to fit in or on the other side, they may be the most rebellious because they are starved of attention.
Spend time with them.They may feel lost and left out and may develop emotional challenges. Pay attention to them. Recognise them if they excel at anything. Make them feel important.
Last borns
They get the most attention because they are the “baby” of the family. And if they came in their parents’ old age, they will be pampered. They can be social, charming but also manipulative. From research, most actors or comedians are often last borns.
Last borns often get away with so much mischief because the parents are either too old or too tired or too experienced to fuss about them like they did for the first born. They can break rules and get away with it.
They are more likely to take risks than the first or middle children. A parent, therefore, needs to have boundaries for them. They can be depressed because they are always compared with their older siblings. Value their individualality and boost their self-esteem and worth.
Only child
They have no siblings to compete with or compare to. Their parents’ eyes and resources are all on them because they are all they can see. They hang around adult company in form of their parents, so they come off as more mature and knowledgeable for their age and peers. They can be ambitious, confident and focused.
When they need a sibling, they might feel lonely. They can be selfish; they are not used to sharing or negotiating. They are the centre of attention. Encourage them to get involved in activities or spaces that get them to socialise such as team sports.
They can feel so entitled they become disrespectful to others in their community. Parents need to take careful steps to teach them manners and magic words such as “thank you”, “I am sorry”… They can be dependent on parents for everything from financial to emotional support. Parents need to consciously help the child become independent by drawing certain boundaries.
Only girl among boys
They are more likely to become tomboys because of their environment. A parent can nurture her daughter to be the girl that she should be than meshing her with the boys. Do feminine things with her.
Only boy among girls
Adler suggests this boy may become effeminate. This boy may be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, so he may want to prove that he is a man and therefore, parents need to constantly validate or affirm him as such. These are generalisations. There are always exceptions. Parenting need to be cognisant of the fact that every child is different and should be treated as such.
