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How to break the cycle of falling for the wrong ones
It is time to reflect upon reasons you keep falling for the wrong people and change the game plan. PHOTO/NET
What you need to know:
If you think marriage is hard and all men or women are bad, and if all your married friends are separated, single parents, you are probably headed for a similar experience.
There are people who make one relationship blunder after another and you wonder if they were born unlucky. A child here, another there, a broken heart here, a separation there and an angry ex there. They are stuck in a rut of bad romantic experiences that they have become coaches at failed relationships. Their mantra is, “all men are bad” or “all women are bad.” How did you get here? Let me explain some reasons why people keep falling for the wrong reasons.
Commitment issues
You inwardly fear commitment to relationships; you unknowingly keep attracting those who fear it too. You are the pot calling the kettle black. Counselling is necessary here because you might be unaware that you possess these issues. A good counsellor will dig these issues out and help you address them. But you must be willing to be honest with yourself and confront these deep-seated issues.
Unmet childhood needs
The need to be loved and validated if not met during childhood can affect the way you relate with others in adulthood and it is often negative. People who are symptomatic of these often have attachment problems that border on either being overly possessive in or dismissive of relationships. You loathe yourself, inwardly. You think you are a terrible person and do not deserve good, so you go with anyone that says they love you even when they hardly mean it. You need to find yourself: Counselling is a good place to start.
The wrong sample space
If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas. There are people who live like satan but want to marry angels. You keep around the wrong people, you will pick up some. We often gravitate to that which is familiar. Most people I know date within their social and professional circles. If your circles are funny, get into the spaces you want to attract from.
Lack of dating standards
You literally have no standards; no values to go by, no effort to know their history. As one smitten by what your eyes see, even when the shoe does not fit, you buy a pig in a poke. You must know what traits you dislike in a partner and avoid people who possess them. They do not have to be perfect (no one is) but you can decide they must have the basics you want. You are not meant for everyone. It is not pride and prejudice; it is self-respect, courtesy, and knowing what you want.
Societal pressure
Society has defined love and marriage in such a way that many factors are at play in the equation and that is true. Parents and friends, are a big part of our psyche that we cannot ignore (and we shouldn’t) but matters of the heart must be personally and individually determined. Just because you got pregnant is no ground for them to force you to marry him.
You can choose contrary. Just because all your friends are getting married does not mean you rush to pick any guy or girl to marry. Resist the pressure to fit in. Be your own person. No one will live the marriage life for you. Everyone has their own clock. Let those who go ahead of you go. Your turn will come. Be calm and wait patiently.
Feelings
Feelings can be very catastrophic. They can swing from one extreme to another like a pendulum bob. They are as fickle as the weather. Reason must kick in to counterbalance them if you are to make a long-term decision such as marriage. You like him but does he have the mental and financial capacity to take on the responsibility that comes with this level of commtiment?
She is drop-dead gorgeous but is she marriage material? Ask yourself these and more hard questions and be genuine to yourself. Love alone is not enough. If you are blurred in judgment, seek the help of a trusted friend or counsellor who will not sugarcoat but tell you the truth.
Lack of good role models
If all you know and think is that marriage is hard and all men or women are bad, and if all your married friends are separated, divorced, single mums and single dads, you are probably headed for a similar experience.
If you grew up around a home where mum and dad were always fighting, absent, uncaring, then you are likely to gravitate towards that which you know. No one ever told you there are good men and women out there. Find good role models and learn from them.
You are not real in relationships
You put up a façade and hide who you really are. The person dating you does not know you at all. They discover later that you are someone else so they quit. Tales of “I thought he/she was like this or that” become their description of you. How about you feel good in your own skin? Choose to be honest with yourself and others. The happiest people are those who know who they are and who have no qualms about being liked by everyone.
Forget soaps and telenovelas
Like all TV dramas, most is cued to entice viewership and attract ratings rather than mirror real life. If you want to base your relationship on them, you are likely to have a broken heart. Have realistic expectations.
Your Sserufusa from Mawokota may be a far cry from the breakfast-in-bed-serving lover boy Salvador you like in that series but you might pass him by and lose out on a good relationship. That said, ask God to guide you to the right person because He is the author of marriage.
