Is empathy a learned or innate skill?

Seated at the other end of the table I watched as he ate his whole fish with enthusiasm. It was nice to see someone eat their meal while enjoying it so much!

“How was the trip?” I asked paying serious attention. “It was okay!” He replied rather halfheartedly. “Was everything okay?” I asked again. “Yeah! It was. I travelled many miles to see the child but the most she gave me was about an hour of her time! In the five days I was there.”

‘What?” I exclaimed; deeply disappointed and feeling his quiet pain and frustration.

My friend across the table was telling me about his trip to the United Kingdom to visit his oldest child but the child hadn’t made much time for him.

Children are interesting. There’s the child who will go to visit their grandparents in the village and carry back a flower, a fruit or a feather for the parent they left at home. But there’s also the child who will not remember or care to think of the parent even when they go shopping. 

I know children who will carry a sweet for their mother every time they go outside home. I know a child who will not ask even when their parent is sad or stressed at home.

Is empathy a learned skill or is it something we are born with? What about emotional intelligence? The ability to know, appreciate and value how to deal with one’s own emotions and those of others?

Why would a 22- year-old young adult studying medicine in Germany fail to create time for their father after he has travelled many miles to come and visit, the very parent who pays their university fees and fends for their every need? Think about the old man from Karomoja who travelled by bus to see their child in Mukono only for the child to be too busy hanging out with friends?

My friend lamented that the child didn’t even give him a hug? And that caught my attention because this particular friend isn’t the hugging type yet he acknowledged that it hurt him because by all standards his beloved child with whom they had planned this trip together hadn’t found it worthy to give him time. Perhaps we are not as empathetic ourselves. In pursuit of good life, money and success, we have forgotten to teach our children that to care is as important as to provide.

Are we present? Are we available and connected to our children beyond the whims of the obvious? It is a known fact that our children are a very direct reflection of who we are. They copy and imitate what we say and what we do not say. They learn by what we do and what we don’t do! Our mannerisms go a very long way in influencing how they will do life.  SELAH