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Mommy, why do you share a bed with dad?
There is a comfortable way to give an answer to such a question coming from your five-year-old. Lawrence Ogwal seeks some general guidelines.
When children are growing up, it gets to a stage where they start asking about body parts and how babies come about. “Where did I come from? How do they make a baby? Can you show me how you make a baby?” “Can I help you we make a baby now?” What is sex?...the list is endless.
“Parents tend to shun these questions but it is always important if you answer these questions because these will help reduce the curiosity that they always have, and encourages them to bring their concerns to you,” says Alex Adaku, a Consultant Psychiatrist at ministry of Health. He offers guidelines on how to talk to children about sex :
• Never use pet names for body parts. Referring to the sex body parts as down there or other common names only leaves the child only more ignorant than when they first asked. It makes it harder when they need help in that area and have to seek for it from another person other than the parent. Use the correct name and explain what it is and what it does
• Delay sex by talking about sex. Many parents worry children are not ready to talk about sex, or that talking will drive them to have it. But research has found that children whose parents discuss sex with them are more likely to delay the act, compared to those whose parents don’t.
• Never give an untrue answer. It can be dangerous for children to have inaccurate information. Admit to your child if you don’t know and promise to find out. Or better still, work together to find the answers online or at the library. Keep it simple. At a young age, the best answers are short and uncomplicated. For instance, to explain where babies come from, say, “You came from Mummy’s tummy, and that’s where you grew until you were ready to be born.”
• Say why. Don’t just tell your chilren what you think. Tell them why. They care and they want to understand. They might not always agree with our reasoning, but they will see how information and experience can be used to make important decisions. Always find out the basis of their question by asking why they ask before you answer.
• Effect control on television and Internet use. Sexual content has increasingly become easily accessible via the media, from billboards to magazines, Internet and TV. Protect your child against this exposure by , for instance, keeping the television and computer in the living room rather than in their bedrooms so you can monitor them.
• Encourage their interest. No matter what your child asks, don’t ask where he or she got the question or dodge the conversation. This will only give them the impression that their curiosity is insensible and unacceptable, and that he’s bad for even thinking of them.
• Teach privacy. Your child can understand about private time when you teach them habits such as knocking before entering closed spaces. Also, knock before you enter their rooms. They may not desire privacy at this age but they will come to respect it. This could lower chances of them walking in on anything too mature for their age, reducing the questions.
How I address uncomfortable topics with the children
Beatrice Langariti, CEO, Focus Uganda:
“What has really helped me is my training as a counsellor, my Christian values and my personal values of honesty and transparency. I first inquire from the child why they want to know so that I do not go overboard in my answer. I then answer the question giving them what they can chew taking care not to overwhelm them. For example, they once asked why they are not allowed to share beds yet their dad and I share a bed. We had to explain to them that we love each other, that we are adults and that we had to get married in a church. I see such situations as opportunities to teach them something.”
Min Atek, Full Woman columnist
I have learnt that being honest with my children is critical although I minimise the information I give them. Sometimes, I throw the question back at them to get their opinion then take it from there. I’m friends with them. At times, we use the dictionary or the Internet to find answers or refer to other people like teachers.
Grace Nakimera, artiste
My daughter is only seven so I usually change the subject whenever she asks something tricky or I send her to do something. However, when she is older, I will try to talk to her as a friend and make her feel comfortable to talk to me about anything like my mother did with me.
Zuena Kirema, TV personality
My son, nine, is given sex education at school so he comes home and asks me for details. I’m open with him. I search the Internet for a picture of a condom and show it to him. I present it to him in a childish way leaving out the adult details. I ask him whether he is ready to struggle like dad looking after a child and he says no.
Sarah Achieng Opendi, MP, minister
My son once asked me where he came from and how he came out of my stomach. I told him I’d bought him from a supermarket. But, probably, the teachers at school taught him about how children are conceived so he stopped asking. You have to tell them something or they will keep asking. They later find out.
