Mothers dating after divorce or separation

Depending on the level of frankness a woman may have with her children, returning to the dating arena might require careful consideration of her children’s consent, or one could choose to go on the journey blindfolded and end up hurting the children.

Seeking consent from the children is part of a natural contract, which if not pondered, could limit the romantic prospects of the mother and her new partner, let alone being offensive to the children, like Mawisa’s case.

Asking the obvious question to her mother, Clara Mawisa, 24 demanded to know if her previously divorced 52-year-old mother would be replacing her dad with her newfound love, when Clara found out that her mother was hanging out with this man.

She says it was a shame that her mother had not asked consent from her before she decided to pursue a new relationship with a man who was not her father or even known to her. 

When is it okay to date again?

Experts on Frolo, an online hub for single parents, recently determined that a single parent could date, if they had taken the time to heal and give themselves closure after their last relationship.

They said it was important for one to be honest with themselves about their last relationship and how it ended, and this could help one learn from that relationship and have a clear picture of why they want to date again. They advised single parents to have clear dating goals.

A mother suggested that dating was doable when her child started going to school. “I was supported to raise my child at such a critical time. My son was very inquisitive of parental figures and their whereabouts in the household. I think it is something they picked up from all the learning and sharing at school.

He started to compare our family to other children’s at school and he was even very demanding of the ideal normal family-tree picture. I was lucky to find a co-parent at that stage, as most of my son’s questions were answered,” she said.

Children’s age can impact how some mothers decide to enter the dating pool because toddlers demand much time and attention, leaving the parent hardly any focus on dating. On the other hand, if the children are old enough and are out of the nest, chances are that their mother will have sufficient time on her hands to find new company in a mate.

Roland Sseku, 58, picked interest in a divorcee woman, but she was insecure about her age and thought that dating while both their children were too grown (young adults), would be a waste of time.

“She was approaching menopause and felt that dating was not just for pleasure, but it would have to result into marriage and that marriage would be incomplete without siring children. This was her traditional belief that I chose to respect,” says Sseku.

Has he been married before?

You want to know if the man you hope to date has a safe relationship with their previous spouses that will not antagonise the household with your children, when they are part of it.

The law does not forbid a divorced man from pursuing a new relationship, provided the divorce is endorsed by a court of competent jurisdiction, according to Edward Eriaku, a family legal practitioner.

However, “there is need to know what strings the new partner still holds from his previous spouse. Does he pay child support? Does he have property with his ex-spouses? Do they have strong parental duties? Are his previous spouses willing to let him graciously start a new relationship without interjection?

This is critical to know before you introduce them to your children because once that step is taken,  it might be difficult to withdraw that new relationship, which may cause chaos,” warns Eriaku.

“One also has to pay attention to how the last relationship ended. Was it due to cheating, violence or cruelty? If the man and his previous spouse have children, they can make arrangements on how to share custody with his new family. If his previous spouse does not see eye-to-eye with his new spouse, boundaries on say, boundaries that prevent the two from meeting can be erected,” he says.

Introducing a new spouse

A mother’s time for introduction of her children to their new spouse may not be specific, but essential to them as an individual. One needs to be absolutely certain that their spouse will bring a sense of stability to their life individually and most importantly to their child’s life.

“Stability is about consistency in his presence. This consistency should be over a prolonged period of time that can give me the confidence then introduce him to my children, knowing he will not be an absent father in their lives, if we decide to take bigger steps,” says Lilian Nasirumbi, who has been separated for four years.

Love does not have to grow wild before one starts to harbour biases that favour a person they just got attracted to. Whereas it may be difficult to best judge one’s character, genuine opinions of a partner’s character may be expressed by other people other than the woman in question.

It could be done by his colleagues or their friends. If these opinions about what could be his insecurities, mannerisms, social accordance to relationships or even attitude to children are established to be genuine and satisfying, the timing for introduction could be pending.

 “When I have assessed the character of this person, and my friends too have opinions about his character that add up, I could go ahead and introduce him to my child,” adds Nasirumbi.

It is critical to know how a man synchronises into his first family. Are they united or not?

Men are many a time the roots of their families. In this context, the man’s family is bound to feel infiltrated when their son is marrying a woman with children and could generate resistance from his family towards the woman and her children.

“I prefer for my son to start a family on a fresh slate with a woman that does not have any children, recreate a new lineage of their own genetic origin and look after their own born kids,” says a mother whose son is separated.

Even though a man’s family might not completely reject his relationship with his new partner who has children, she might have to endure an intermediary period of adjustment to her acceptance by her spouse’s family.

Once she feels accepted by that family and that her children will not be a hiccup in the relationship between them and her spouse’s family, introductions may follow.

What if her children are just not getting with him or vice-versa?

Will you call off the relationship when there is a point of conflict between your children and your new partner, if he is needed in the raising of your children? “If the path of one’s children does not require the involvement of their new partner, the mother still ought to define the boundaries of the relationship. For instance, how does she meet her partner without the children present? Will the man ever have to move in with her and her children? etc.” advises Violet Luwum, a counsellor.

“As a parent who started a new romantic relationship, parenthood should be your identity even in that relationship. Continue to prioritise your primary role and responsibility as a parent without substantial compront of financial dependence on one’s new partner, the child could economically be sustained and catered for, but their emotional instability will be more detrimental to their well-being than their economic welfare benefits. “Overall, there is a low probability of serving well in your parental role if you have not secured your child’s emotional safety, especially around your new partner,” she observes.

The dynamics of discipline

If the new partner has been embraced by the child(ren), not all is black and white, until it has been established if the new partnership/relationship shall span to include the boundaries previously instituted in the household to handle disciplinary cases.

The new couple might need to create agreeable methods that are satisfactory to both of them before disciplining the children as there might be a constant conflict in child upbringing, if there is no established approach of disciplining children.

“It’s a tough transition for a single parent to discuss their child’s discipline, but it is a sign of good communication and adaptation in times of adversity. This can work mainly if discussion about disciplining is done in the absence of the child, so that the parents do not appear incoherent on parenthood or disjointed as a family, when the action of disciplining has to happen,” says Violet.

Handling conflict with children

A partner needs to have a sense of composure, especially in front of children. There are reported cases of partners who become intolerable in times of conflict and have caused untold damage in many households. This is definitely something to establish before determining a partner’s involvement in the children’s disciplining.

Can he raise your kids without you?

Are they as proficient a support system to your children as you are? You are choosing a partner who should allow you soften up, cover your blind spots, help where you are not functioning, someone who will let you place your guard down- a guard that parents have often worn up their sleeves.

“If he cannot give me that sense of relief as a single parent, while he is part of my family, I might as well regard him as a stranger,” says a single mother in Muyenga.

Dad, step-dad, uncle, by his name?

The baseline dynamic that can lay the best foundation in such relationships is for children in the household to recognise the new partner as an elder and respect their authority. How the child defines or calls the new partner is based on the way the mother integrates this new partner into their lives. The title of parenthood is not just naturally owned, it is attained.

“If your new partner is steadily growing into the role of a co-parent and genuinely serving that responsibility, it is only fair to encourage your children to call them dad, as it fosters respect and trust in the family.

‘Step-dad’ may stigmatise not just your new partner, but also to you and the children. Without command, give him the title of dad by leading the front in recognizing him as husband or dad of the household depending on whether that role speaks for him.” advises Violet.

Introducing a partner to your children ought to be a gradual process because the children are often a fighting point in a broken relationship. Mothers are most likely crediting themselves to be better parents than their former spouses.

Rapid introduction of a new partner to their child(ren) institutes a strong sense of territorial dominance and invasion of private space by a stranger (the new partner),who could easily pose as an emotional threat to the children’s mother, especially when some sense of emotional stability has over time been established. However, affection breaks boundaries, but at what cost? 

One day at a time

Do not be an emotional threat.

Children are often a fighting point in a broken relationship. Introducing a new partner to your child(ren) should be gradual because it creates a strong sense of territorial dominance and invasion of private space.