Surrogacy: Hope for couples stigmatised for childlessness

By Gbemisola Esho, bird

For many couples, especially newlyweds, the birth of a baby not only spices up their lives but also brings a sense of fulfilment, not to mention the respect and sense of responsibility offered by traditional society.

And when the arrival of that first child is delayed - or does not come at all - for reasons beyond the control of the couple, that can put them, especially the woman, on an unexpected and often traumatic and stigmatised, new journey.

When Toyins Lolu-Ogunmade and her husband Lolu Ogumade’s love blossomed into a union, they looked forward to being “soon blessed” with a fruit of their love– a child.

 “At the heart of all our detailed planning, from wedding to honeymoon, was being parents,” she recounts.

Today, Ogunmade’s life is centred in her office in the heart of the City of Lagos from where she is providing hope and holds the hands of others going through experiences similar to hers... which she refers to as the process whereby “hope deferred makes the heart sick”.

At the office, her staff attend to a constant stream of people, mostly women, seeking help. The walls are plastered with messages about infertility and photos of happy mothers cuddling babies born through surrogacy.

13 years of childlessness

Ogunmade, a human resource management professional for 20 years until she switched careers to become a fertility consultant, said she battled infertility for 13 years, a journey that helped shape her current career and outlook to life.

Ogumade says it all started with irregular periods. But she did not find that strange, because it happened often in her teenage years.

But when she started suffering bloating, stomach pains, swollen ankles and heavy bleeding during her menstrual cycle, there was cause for worry.

“I assumed that what I was going through was a sign of pregnancy and so I started visiting my husband’s family physician. It was at the clinic that a consultant gynaecologist broke the news that I had multiple fibroids, which had caused bleeding. I was assured that once these were treated, I would conceive,” she says.

Ogunmade’s dream slowly started to slip away as months became years and she began a long battle with fibroids, which had to be removed surgically.

This, too, did not turn out well as she developed post-surgery complications. Already in her 30s, the anxiety gnawed at the couple.  Ogumade was haunted by the fear that her husband, like many other men, would grow tired of waiting for a baby and take on another woman. Fortunately, he stood with her and they walked the journey together.

Asherman’s Syndrome

Ogunmade underwent three more surgeries to enable her to conceive. This, too, did not yield any fruit. Instead, after enduring all the pain and trauma, her doctors delivered an emotionally crushing verdict: her womb was too scarred and weak to hold a baby.

“The news of the diagnosis of what gynaecologists termed as Asherman’s Syndrome was devastating. I was told surgeries that were meant to fix my issue left my womb scarred and I could, therefore not conceive,” she says her voice cracking with emotion.

According to Dr Adewale Lawal, a gynaecologist, “multiple fibroids” is a major contributor to infertility in women, particularly for those of African descent.

Other causes include polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS); a condition in which women experience irregular menstrual cycles, as well as infertility on the part of the male partner.

Never the one to give up easily, Ogunmade sought a second opinion from another doctor, who confirmed that she would never be able to conceive a child. However, the doctor proposed that she could be mother through what he called gestational surrogacy. The option initially was shocking but Ogunmade gave it some thought.

“The journey of hope in pursuit of motherhood reached a dead end. Though filled with doubt and many answered questions, I decided to only give it a try as a last resort,” she says.

Seeking medical help abroad

She adds: “Though excited at the prospect, I was still conscious because I did not want to raise my hopes and then get disappointed.”

Still not entirely convinced that she had hit a dead end, she made one last attempt at being a regular mother by flying to India, where she hoped another correctional surgery would help. The news in India was not any different. In fact, it was worse; her uterus was damaged beyond all hope of repair. They, too, advised gestational surrogacy.

She resisted the idea further, her reluctance stemming from the fact that it was considered taboo and not a path explored from where she came from.

Victory at last

In the 13th year of their childless union, she decided to participate in a programme that included a surrogate mother and in-vitro fertilisation (IVF), which only succeeded after the third attempt.

The couple became the proud parents of a set of twins –a boy and girl. Finally, at 40, Ogunmade was a mother. She named the twins Orinayo and Oluwafikunayomi. Orinayo means my song of joy and Oluwafikunayomi means the Lord has added to my joy.

“Each time I saw my bundles of joy, because they were literally that, I pinched myself to be sure I was not in a perpetual dream. But it was real,’’ she says.

“I never thought I would ever have children. The moment I and my husband peeped into the little incubators - they were kept in the hospital - I felt an overwhelming feeling run through me, an unexplainable rush, which I still have when I see my children. I knew within me these little ones have captured my heart and I will go to the end of the earth to do anything for them,” she recounts.

To their birth mother, who, through IVF technology, has brought so much happiness to the couples’ lives, she can never be recognised enough.

How IVF works

IVF involves the removal of an egg from a woman’s ovaries, which is then fertilised with sperm in the laboratory. The fertilised egg– an embryo–is then planted in the woman’s womb (or that of a surrogate mother) to grow.

IVF has not been widely publicised as an option for couples who are unable to have children in Africa, largely because of cultural taboos. The procedure is also very expensive. But beneficiaries like Ogunmade are now determined to educate other women about this option. There is hope for couples suffering from the stigma of childlessness.

Infertility, according to Dr Esther Adelopo of Bridge Clinic in Lagos, can take a significant adverse emotional and physical toll on those affected.

 “The experience of conceiving, nurturing and giving birth to one’s child is a fundamental desire that is experienced by most women. Infertility can threaten every aspect of an individual’s life; marriage, health, work and relationships. And this leads to stigmatisation, reduced quality of life, reduced intimacy, fear of divorce and separation,” she says.

Emotional support

Ogunmade’s husband, lawyer Charles Ogochukwu, says societies in Africa need to embrace surrogacy because it is one of the options for overcoming the stigma of childlessness.  “I see my child as an extension of myself; my legacy. I have been married for more than 20 years and I knew how society perceived me when we did not have a child, I felt complete as a man,” he recalls.

“I cannot imagine life without my children. For my wife I cannot say the same, it took a heavy toll on her, especially mentally,” he adds.

While some men stand with their spouses, others succumb to pressure and go for extramarital affairs. Ada Daniels, married for five years, is one of those whose marriage ended because of childlessness. She says her mother-in-law faulted her for “failing to sire a child for her son to make him a man.”

“Most men do not understand the trauma women go through in such a situation. I think for the average woman, the experience can be harrowing, until she makes the decision to stop allowing people depress and stigmatise her,” she emphasises. Upon her return from India, Ogunmade decided to reach out to other women suffering from infertility. She launched a learning management portal – Precious Conceptions – a consultancy on fertility services, infertility counselling, treatment and other related reproductive matters.

To master the reproductive cycle, she also enrolled for a course as a fertility counsellor, which gave her further knowledge and experience. Her motto is: We walk with you to victory.

Authored a book

She has also published books and conducts regular bootcamps on conception. Her book, Mum at Last: My 13 Year Journey, has had significant impact on couples who are in the same situation and some couples have found hope and considered surrogacy.

“It provides an honest look and captures the emotional journey of fertility and IVF as well as surrogacy from the perspective of someone who has actually gone through the emotions,” says Dr Olawale Shittu, a fertility specialist at Bloom Fertility Lagos.

“This is my thirteenth year of waiting. Your story has energised me not to give up. This is not only a testament to God’s goodness and mercy, but also your tenacity and resilience,” another reader reviews.

In this line of work, Ogunmade says she has encountered cases of people wanting to engage in child-trafficking and profiteering in the guise of surrogacy.

She says some couples even attempt to bribe the intended surrogates promising to pay them more money or ask that the surrogates use their own eggs. Some have the surrogate have sex with men - a fact that ends up wrecking marriages.

67 couples supported

Ogunmade now partners with other specialists including fertility consultants and practitioners, psychiatrists, gynaecologists, nutritional therapists and IVF experts, to ensure those in need receive proper care.

She says since she launched her venture, it has suported 67 couples to realise the dream of parenthood, through surrogacy.

“It is not just a number, but the lives of people that have changed. I am happy to have brought a message of hope in couples’ homes again,” Ogunmade adds. Surrogacy is legal in many other African countries, policy guidelines are needed to present it as an option and to fight the stigma of childlessness.