When love becomes too controlling and suffocating

The candle light dinners, the expensive gifts, the endless calls, the compliments, and the lavish outings…it felt so irresistible, so you settled into the relationship. After a while, your partner started to demand you tell them where you are all the time.

In fact, they check in on you when you are not with them, determine the appropriateness of style choices, complain about who you hang around with, disapprove of many, if not all of your opposite gender friends and snoop on your phone.

He summons you on what you post on social media accounts, reads your mails and messages without your knowledge. You love him, but you have started to feel like a bird caught in a snare. You want to escape, but do not know how. Are you asking yourself why he is too controlling?  Here are some reasons:

Attachment anxiety

 They did not bond enough in their childhood because there was nobody to attach to or they were present, but ignored or abandoned or rejected. In adulthood, they have no idea what secure attachment is and they confuse care with control.

Trust issues

Some people do not trust their partner or their judgments: For instance, you went too far with a work colleague and the results led you to confessions and he gave you a second chance. You have struggled before they know about it so they keep trying to catch you before you fall, again. They are not about to be broken again.  They do not trust you, so they control you.

Borderline personality disorder

This is a mental disorder characterised by unstable moods and emotions. People with this disorder tend to view themselves negatively, be self-hurting and impulsive.

They arrived here because of childhood trauma such as loss of a dear parent. They can go great lengths to be controlling and manipulative of the environment and people around them.      

Family background

That is how they were raised and they do not know any better. Their parents were life-hardened, tough, domineering people, who kept an inflexible strict order at home. Every family member towed the line or they were met with the most brutal of force. The controlling partner learnt from the best. 

Superiority complex

 This complex manifests in two ways; either they consider themselves unrealistically better than you, or they exaggerate their abilities and accomplishments in order to mask and compensate for strong feelings of inferiority. 

Either way, they do not value your opinion. They think they are always right. And if they happen to be much older than you and control the relationship purse, the odds are you are going to feel emotionally suffocated.  

Inferiority complex

 Whereas some control freaks present with a superiority complex, others present with an inferiority complex or low self-esteem. According to the American Psychological Association, an inferiority complex is “a basic feeling of inadequacy and insecurity, deriving from actual or imagined physical or psychological deficiency.” The fear that they can lose you to someone better because they think they are not good enough for you, might swing a partner into controlling mode. 

Dealing with a controlling partner

There is an acceptable degree of jealousy or possessiveness in any committed relationship. It is the rational, natural sense we feel when we belong to another.  But if that feeling crosses the line to controlling and domination, then it becomes catastrophic to the relationship. How then do you handle a controlling partner and their insecurities? 

Be non-confrontational

Maybe they do not even know that their behaviour is affecting you.  Be honest and tell them how it makes you feel. For instance, you could say: “I feel distrusted when you call me several times when you know am out with my work mates during a staff party.” In communicating this, you are trying to get them to see the need for you to have boundaries they should not cross.

Enforce your boundaries

They may listen to you and adjust their behaviour for a while, but soon relapse. Gently remind them to respect your boundaries. Let them know you love them, but also have a life outside of them with your friends and family and you intend to keep these relationships.

They may consider some of your relationships bad for you and want to be your messiah, but in reality they want to isolate you from everybody else.

Involve them in your plans

Do not feed their insecurities by leaving them in the dark concerning your plans and pursuits.  Introduce them as your partner so they feel secure. Be open, if you deem it safe, about your academic, work and business and social pursuits and intelligently let them know you expect their support. They are needy of your attention, let them have it. Let them know you care about them. When they feel secure, they will lose the appetite to control you.  

Seek help or quit

You may want to consult a trusted friend or counsellor to help you both reach a compromise. But if you are still dating, you have no reason to subject the rest of your life to a cell.

Do a Michael Scofield; Prison Break! Why? Because constant stress from coercive control (or intimate terrorism! as some have called it) and abuse (emotional and physical) can have untold damage on your mental and physical health and result in depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.