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Why is your partner selfish and how do you relate with them?
Controlling, self-centred and unsupportive are some of the signs your partner is selfish.
PHOTO/COURTESY
What you need to know:
- Naturally, we are all selfish to a certain degree and that is apparently healthy.
- But if the selfishness is dominant, they lack empathy for others and are preoccupied with themselves, then it is detrimental.
“He comes back home every day at 4am, expects me to warm his dinner on a charcoal stove and wait for him while he eats. He refuses to eat food prepared by our househelp. He expects me to work and run back home and prepare dinner for us. During the Covid lockdown, he was stuck at home, but would watch television all day without lifting a finger to help me with any chore,” Denise complains to me about Denis. “How did you fall in love with such a fella?” I asked her.
“I was inexperienced when we met. And you know with your first relationship you want it to work out so bad you will do anything and put up with everything. I played along until I noticed respect was no longer served and I quit,” she says.
The Denises are many. You sometimes wish they lived alone somewhere on a desert island, but if you are relating with one, you may want to borrow some tips from here to make your relationship work or if you do not know you are relating with one, you may want to find out.
Signs your partner is selfish
Selfish partners dictate terms for you to follow and never compliment or express gratitude to you for anything you do. They never lend a helping hand when it comes to chores around the house. When money is involved, they take more than they receive. They prefer being alone most times yet they are in a relationship.
When it comes to intimacy, it is about their satisfaction, not yours. They are highly critical of you, and your efforts, uncompromising toward you and it is their opinion that matters.
They are the kind that never admits to a fault. They expect you to take care of their every whim regardless of how you feel. They do not know you personally or make an effort to but expect you to know them well.
They hardly consult you on the decisions they take even those that affect you and throwing tantrums is their daily lifestyle.
The mind of a selfish person
Naturally, we are all selfish to a certain degree and that is apparently healthy. But if selfishness is the dominant character in a person, they lack empathy for others and are preoccupied with themselves, then it can be dangerous.
Understanding a selfish person can be difficult, but psychology can provide us with some answers. Are they being selfish at the moment because of something they have to do or is selfishness a natural trait to them?
What were their past childhood experiences like? Were they neglected or ignored in their relationship with their primary caregivers such as parents or guardians or are they responding to the way you are behaving towards them?
Were they an only child? Were they raised in a male-dominated culture, where girls did everything while men did nothing? Were they taken advantage of in their generosity in their previous relationships they decided to be mean?
Relating with a selfish partner
Establish why you have allowed them to treat you that way. When you look at yourself, what do you see? And do you like what you see? Do you think you have any self-worth? Do you think you deserve better? Are you codependent in this relationship that your sense of identity depends on validation from the other? Partners who think they are inferior will often allow themselves to be treated wrongly.
Show them the way
The Bible emphasises that vengeance is for God and that we should not return evil for evil, but doing good for another…Even when they are mean to you, you can choose to be generous to them. By sharing with them, you are showing them what you expect of them.
But be careful not to play the empathy card as they might take advantage of you and consider your generosity as a weakness: “I had a boyfriend who was extremely selfish so every time I got something good, I shared with him. I was dropping cues of how I wanted him to treat me or other people. He eventually understood it and now we are good,” Sarah says of her boyfriend.
Say it out loud
There are no prizes for keeping silent and suffering. If you keep quiet, it means you are permitting them to treat you selfishly. Sometimes, they are unaware they are being selfish and doing things that actually hurt you. You must speak out and let your partner know how their selfishness is affecting your relationship.
But there is a catch. Express it in a way that will not spark a fight. “He was the meanest guy I knew. He never spent any money on me, rather I spent on him. He told me he was building a house and trying to establish something for us. But when I noticed he would refuse to help his own siblings and relatives yet he was doing relatively well, I covered for him for some time, until I could not take it anymore. I confronted him. It has been a tough journey but I am glad to say he has changed for the better,” says Janice.
Love on you
Selfish partners want everything done for them. They crave attention as if your universe must rotate around them. They will suck life out of you. And if you are the kind that wants to continue pleasing them at any cost, including ignoring your own needs, you will break your back or bank.
You need to come to a point where you draw the line and say enough is enough “I will love on me”. It is not selfish; it is top-tier self-care.
Quit
When have you have done everything you know how but the situation has not changed and it is affecting your mental health negatively, you may have to decide to quit that relationship, if you are to stay with some semblance of an emotional life.
