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My wife cheated with a neighbour and lied about it, I’m heartbroken but afraid of divorce
What you need to know:
- When I confronted her again, she confessed meeting up with him but only once. On further prodding, she admitted that in my absence, she spent a night with him in a different town.
It's been three weeks now since I discovered that my dear wife has been sleeping with our next-door neighbour who is also a married man. His wife is our close family friend.
Three weeks ago, after work, I was relaxing in our living room when our son ran to me holding my wife's phone. He requested me to set up a game for him. As I was navigating the phone, I stumbled upon a romantic message from our neighbour. I immediately summoned my wife to explain about the content of the message. She claimed that the neighbour has been pestering her for some time but had never met in person and that he picked her number from our gateman. My investigations, however, revealed that the two were seen together in town. When I confronted her again, she confessed meeting up with him but only once. On further prodding, she admitted that in my absence, she spent a night with him in a different town. We had a civil wedding two years ago, although we’ve been married for three years. We are blessed with a two-year-old son.
What hurts me most is the fact that she lied to me to cover up her promiscuous ways. Since then, we have not been in good talking terms. Whenever the idea of divorce comes up, I shed tears because of our son. I do not want him to grow under the care of only one parent. I am truly hurt, and heartbroken beyond imagination. I don't know if I will ever forgive her but at the same time, I don’t see myself leaving her. She is 26, and I am 30. What do I do? Amos
READERS ADVICE
Dear brother Amos, I understand what has been going in your mind for the past few weeks, but thank God you've discovered that vice now than later. Romantic relationships out of marriage can result to dire consequences such as pregnancies out of wedlock and the dreaded sexually transmitted diseases.
Before you make any move, I will advise you to dig deep and find the root cause of the problem and try to solve it. If you can't iron it by yourselves, engage a close relative you trust or your spiritual leader. Good luck! Cyrus Ogoti
It is painful to be betrayed by someone you truly love. Though we have people who cheat without any good reason for doing it, you need to discuss with your wife to find out what drove her to do that. Let her express herself fully and don't judge before you listen to her. You may be shocked to find out you are the reason for her cheating. I know it is hard to repair broken trust, but time is the master healer of even the deepest wounds. Lastly, the holy book teaches us on forgiveness no matter what. May God give you the grace to do so for the sake of your child as you said. Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale
It's okay to feel hurt and broken by your wife's actions since she is the someone you trusted. Take time to think about your future as a family. She has been dishonest before so chances are that she might change or still persist depending on the actions you will take. Find time to communicate and determine the root cause of her actions and the consequences it has brought on your family.
Take heart and best of luck in your endeavours. Njau Nyambura
Your situation is a dreadful nightmare. Every sane person who gets into marriage or a serious relationship fears most about such an occurrence. I consider it grave betrayal especially that she cheated on you with an immediate neighbour. If you still love her, sit her down and have a candid talk. It will be unfortunate for your child to grow with both of you apart as it will impact him psychologically in the long-run. Visit a marriage counsellor or therapist who will assist in rekindling the fire of your union. If this fails, and she doesn't commit to the relationship you can part ways as a very last resort. Muriuki Franc, Mathira
Amos, it is very clear that your wife wouldn't have confessed had you not pushed her to do so. She is not a reliable partner as she can cheat on you anytime in your absence. It is very clear also that she loves your neighbour going by the extent of the cover ups. An old saying goes “Monkey does not forget how to jump.” The earlier you leave the better otherwise you might suffer from depression. Kiprotich Aaron, Litein
EXPERT’S TAKE
For you to be asking what next is basically you crying out for a solution that does not involve leaving her. She has indeed hurt you and you must feel hopeless— between a hard place and a rock. Leaving is an option but because you wish to stick with her, you must be realistic in fulfilling a future that is not fuelled by constant finger pointing and resentment. No marriage is worth that type of negativity with no harmony in sight. If she is done with her affair and is willing to work things out, you must forgive and move past this revelation. Look within you and find out what led her to another and what can you both invest in to avoid a repeat of the disconnect. Your son should not witness his parents rift and grow up knowing that mum & dad fight a lot. You must mutually want to rekindle your friendship and trust otherwise do not stay together using your son as an excuse, that will only cultivate misery in the long run. Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor
