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Surviving the Ugandan Covid-19 Christmas
Christmas unusual. This festive season, many of us will need a fantasy because the reality is not very pretty.
What you need to know:
- Christmas unusual. This festive season, many of us will need a fantasy because the reality is not very pretty. Ian Ortega suggests ways you can get busy, get creative and find the love of your life, all on a budget.
In the Lord of the Rings, an interesting conversation happens between Frodo and Gandalf. Frodo tells Gandalf: “I wish it need not have happened in my time.” “So do I, “says Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” I feel we are all living in such times as those.
This festive season will be like no other, we are all in the ‘siturago’ which is why you need some quick tips for surviving it. It is the manifesto stolen from the Stingy Men Association of Uganda archives. Here is how you will come out of the festive season stronger and happier.
You must not lose money
Rule number one is that you must not be overtaken by the excitement. You must be smarter than the folks around you. This is the time to adopt some excuses. When someone asks you for money, do not be ashamed of dropping the famous line; “I wish you had told me earlier.” Be creative around the excuses. At least be stuck in some self-isolation. If people put you in wedding groups, go silent. Do not be pushed to make a pledge. Every coin counts.
Join some interesting groups
Social media has come to save you. This is the time to pick some Facebook group and dominate it. Do not be left behind. The days of Mama Tendo are long past us. Become reckless and join RX Radio group or Tulambule or Stingy Men Association of Uganda (SMAU). Once you are confirmed as a member, it is time to go on a posting spree. Post about anything, any photo, any thought that pops up in your head. This is not the time to think about perfect shots or excellent thoughts, you just want to be the most active name in the group.
Challenge the group admins, bring up some controversial topics. The end goal is that by doing so, time will rush by as fast as possible. Before you know it all, we shall be in elections and then Valentine’s Day. So, if you do not have a group, be sure to pick up one.
Jump on any trending topic
Like tip number two, you must be on the watch out for any trending topic. For example, you do not have to know anything about Omah Lay, but you should be in position to post #FreeOmahLay. This is the time to hashtag anything that you see on your timeline. Again, it is about avoiding idle time. Idle time is the killer of the festive mood.
Get active in church
This is the time when churches go on a rollercoaster of events. Pick a struggle in your church. If it is a Christmas play, it does not hurt to play as Judas Escariot. Most churches have some snacks and drinks for their active members. Join your church choir, just find something to do at church, the Lord will surely reward you. Who knows? Prophet Elvis Mbonye can take you along on his trip to Heaven.
TikTok videos
Forget everything they tell you about TikTok, this is the time to unlock your creativity. Open up a TikTok account and begin jumping on challenges. For example, although it is too late for Jerusalema and Kachumbali, it does not hurt to jump on them. Afterwards use a relative’s Raum to do the ‘maserati’ challenge.
Just disappear and run to the countryside
This is like the master key of everything. You could just go missing from everyone and retreat to the countryside, aka your village. Switch off your phones, deactivate your social media and quietly run to the village.
For those using public means, the earlier you leave, the better. Go take a chill and enjoy the free things of the village. You can always return in January with a long post to explain your hiatus. Talk about some new age stuff, how you wanted to meditate and seek meaning in life.
Throw in some philosophy about the need to escape the busy life of the city and why everyone should settle in the countryside. Then talk about that dream of every Ugandan chap. They all dream of buying a huge chunk of land, building a nice pad, having trees, having a fireplace, a ranch, a home library. But deep down they all know, these are just mere wishes. Many are stuck in the rat race.
Find a political party
Perhaps this is the most helpful of all. It is time to pick a political candidate. Just pick a side and throw all your support at it. The easiest of all is the Katumba Oyee gang. There is nothing much to do other than shout ‘Katumba Oyee.’ If your boss cracks a lazy joke, just laugh out with the words; ‘Katumba Oyee.’ Alternatively, just keep adding the tag #WeareRemovingaDictator. If your girlfriend has a work husband, simply post his photo captioned.
#WeareRemovingaDictator
Again, if that too is not working, find something with which to secure your future. Just do something political, take off your shoes and walk to the HR’s office, saying ‘now or never.’ Walk out without saying a word and wait for a response. You could be surprised with a pay raise. Create that mystery.
Get creative around your meals
Instead of having breakfast and lunch, it is high time you combined these two meals. Insist on doing only brunch this festive season. Social distance your meals. The longer apart the meals are, the more effective. For example, if you wake up around 10am, have your brunch at mid-day, you can have your dinner at 9pm. Follow the presidential directives when it comes to meal spacing. It makes no sense to keep putting food in your mouth, it is just not safe.
Complain about skinny people
Okay this one, we had to slot it in. The Association of Skinny People of Uganda would like to categorically complain about the hate, the victimisation and the abuses that are constantly hurled at them. Somehow, it is a crime to call someone ‘fat’ in Uganda.
In fact, it is all joy to gain weight in Uganda. But when you get skinny, everyone picks on you, everyone looks at you with that eye when you load your plate with food. The association wishes to clarify that come 2021, it shall attack plus-sized people with the same venom previously directed at them. Anyway, if you want to survive this season, just pick on skinny people. Make jokes about them.
Your New Year resolution, your vision board
Find a way to waste time with wishful thinking. It is a new year, it is a new you. Start drafting your 2021 resolutions. Watch some of those motivational videos. Threaten to drop all the friends that do not push you to get better. Clip out items from magazine and plaster them onto your vision board. The mind loves some fantasy.
Become the errand guy
Lots of people hate running errands, they hate discomfort. Be the person that will be doing all these things. If you want ka-extra money. Offer to drop downtown and pick up some stuff for people.
Drop to Nakasero and get people the vegetables. Be the street-smart friend, the one who pretends to be the best at bargaining. This will boost your credibility among your friends this season. Most will want to have you along when they are travelling. Who does not want the guy that negotiates like a Wall Street broker? Always be the one who knows where the best pork joint is hidden or where to buy the cheapest crocs.
Recycle your photos
Sometimes, you need to pick up energy from your past. This festive season requires one to go back into their archives and find those beautiful memories. This is the time to share all those photos that have never been shared. Do not tell people anything, simply post and let them draw up their conclusions. Pick up a travel photo from a year back, drop it on your WhatsApp status. Begin responding to all those messages of; “kale you left me behind.” Reply from the comfort of your bed and its beaten pillow-covers.
Double up…
Get in a relationship
If you are single, this is the right time to venture into the world of the romantics. Find yourself a festive boyfriend or girlfriend. Love blossoms best in these times. Time to progress all those date requests you had left hanging. For men, toast someone. Assure them that you could not risk getting to another pandemic without a girlfriend. Why a relationship? Because you can finally have someone to draw up fantasies with, someone to call every morning. Being in a relationship will give you a routine. At least you will appear busy and useful every day of the festive season.
