When a relationship is stagnant you know each other’s actions but not their hearts . Photo | Shutterstock
Martin and Molly met at a night club many years ago, dated and got married after three years. It has been 15 years since. The relationship has borne five children. The family has a beautiful home in one of the plush suburbs of Kampala. But not all is well in this “kingdom”.
“We have beautiful children, are doing well financially and occasionally get to be intimate but that is it. I hate to complain but I feel like Martin and I do not know each other well beyond the first three years we dated. We are emotionally distant. We have not grown together all these years and it bothers me. What is most disturbing is that Martin thinks we are okay! When we made the vows, I had this idea it would be ‘happily ever after’ but that is a distant dream now as it was back then. We are more like housemates than a married couple.”
Some people’s relationships are similar to Martin and Molly’s. They are stagnant. A stagnant relationship is one where there is no growth taking place, the couple is stuck in routine and they feel disconnected.
Yes, there are temporary moments of stagnation in every relationship and you frankly are not going to “gaga” or mushy-gushy over your partner every minute of their life but if no growth is happening beyond the basics or the marriage is being a drag on you or you are just tolerating each other for a prolonged period, then darling, your relationship can be said to be stuck in gear one!
It is so easy to brush off Molly’s complaint if you are “Martin” because you probably do not know how your partner feels or it has been long since you took your relationship’s health check.
If you are such a person, this article is meant to help you know the tell-tale signs of what a stagnant relationship looks like. Here they are:
You know each other’s actions but not their hearts
As people grow, they change. It is a fact of life. They will change perspectives on religion, politics, food tastes, even football teams. It should be expected and accepted. Couples therefore, must keep in touch with who their partners are becoming now than being stuck in the memory of the person they married then.
That is why you may know a thing or two more about each other from way back then but really do not know deeply about your partner’s heart and motivations now.
And because you are disconnected at this level, you do not confide in one another anymore rather preferring friends and family. In fact, sometimes you get to learn about something your partner is thinking or doing from third-party sources.
You maintain appearances
A couple in a stagnant relationship will go all the way to learn every new trend but make no effort to learn new things to improve their marriage. Couples like these usually do not see value in things such as marriage seminars, couple retreats, or books about marriage. They consider them a waste of time and money.
Their relationship looks good on paper but the spirit of it is “dead” on the inside. Nothing excites them about each other anymore. They are together for the children, the pressure of friends and family and public image rather than for themselves. They are bored with each other to death. They are lonely.
They do not conflict
Conflict in relationships is unavoidable. It is part of human fallibility. But not all of it is bad. Some of it is good for relationships to grow into intimacy, understanding, and appreciation of each other. Conflict may bring confrontation which may indicate that a couple still cares about each other.
I am not saying you go around creating conflict in your relationship but I am saying that absence of it might indicate that the couple has given up on each other and their marriage and are ploughing ahead instead of confronting the issues.
Lillian explains this about her relationship with husband Daniel, “I got tired of arguing with someone who cared only about his opinion. He gave up on me, accusing me of trying to “mummy” him. We now coexist as adults in arguments. No questions asked.
“We have zero conflict. Of course, I am painfully aware that this state of affairs is not good because we are not growing as a couple but we have chosen that way.”
A stagnant relationship enjoys other people’s company more than each other
The couple in a stagnant relationship does not necessarily hate each other but they don’t necessarily like each other that much either. They will find it easy to hang around with everybody else except themselves.
They may be the type you rarely see together except for a relative’s wedding or friend’s child’s baptism where it is inevitable they must appear together for the cameras.
They do not spend meaningful and quality time together. They don’t communicate with each other beyond the surface.
The couple mistrusts each other
You have been together for many years but you have plenty of “unknowns” to each other. These are couples who have secret bank accounts, secret children, secret investments…and any attempt to lift the lid on these is met with apprehension, resistance, and even violence.
There is so much mistrust they find confidence in other people except themselves. They are constantly looking over their shoulders to protect themselves from each other. And because they mistrust each other, they don’t plan together because they cannot be open with one another.
They do not forgive each other easily
A relationship that is stuck in gear one often has the couple who don’t compromise with each other, don’t apologise and who keep scores of each other like a grade three teacher of her class.
They deal with the same issues again and again, the same arguments over and over again. Because unforgiveness has given birth to bitterness, these people will often use these as a sword to hit each other. These tear each other apart during arguments, they demean one another and talk bad about each other to others.
In conclusion, a stagnant relationship benefits no one. The earlier you try to fix it the better for you.
