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MP Zaake faults Life Guard condom for bizarre interview
Mityana Municipality MP Francis Zaake has confirmed that he was indeed the People Power leader interviewed by Voice of America (VoA) last week.
“I want to say I watched myself live on VoA and that’s not a mean feat. I mean, how many of you can watch yourself live on a global international media?” the legislator said.
Zaake, who was speaking to Empty Tin, nodded his head furiously when reminded that this column makes things up.
“I sure thing know that. I know that. That’s why I don’t need a reminder that I was on VoA and I gave my best to tell the world that the NRM government has been as bad as Life Guard condom since 1986.”
He said he has a “monstrous issue” with Life Guard condom for “two to three reasons.”
“The whole country was talking about me. Zaake even upstaged Rema with all her dimple on social media but these guys messed the pleasure with their displeasure announcement,” he said.
Asked to elaborate, the legislator instead suggested that even his woes with the Queen’s language, especially the much-quoted inability to pronounce the word continued, could have been “studded straight” from the Life Guard condom factory.
“They claim to be the number one most trusted condom in Uganda and that they are studded for extra pleasure. Hmm, maybe they studded my tongue out of envy naye nkyali mboko (but I’m dapper).”
The biggest news this month was oscillating between MP Zaake’s bizarre interview with VoA and the bombshell from National Drug Authority (NDA) that more than a million Life Guard condoms have been recalled from the market.
The recall came after NDA wrote to Marie Stopes, a charity, saying two batches of Life Guard condoms failed to comply with “quality tests.”
Officials from NDA told media interviews that the condoms leak like MP Otto trying to explain why the “whole of northern Uganda will never vote for Kizza Besigye again.”
“You see, the government has contunued… I mean, Life Guard has contunued to use the same models on the blue packs of the brand for 20 years,” Zaake said after asking Empty Tin if he could give a rejoinder by saying a one for the road.
“Why are they behaving like NRM of since 1986? Can’t they get new models?”
Laughing in spite of himself, the MP suggested that Sheila Gashumba be the face of Life Guard condoms, saying, among others, the socialite has perfected the art of being a brand ambassador for products, unlike Ruth Kalibala whose face has appeared in more brothels than anyone else in living memory, thanks to the studded pleasure brand.
“I don’t care which boda boda man is placed alongside her [Gashumba], but we all agree that she has the perfect kazigo and she is ‘light-skinned’ and yeah, Life Guard should have waited to distribute the leaking condoms until I milked my fame for good.”
The editors at Empty Tin have spent two nights catching the grasshoppers of MP Zaake’s comments to this column by putting, all the heads to the tails of things but the only consolation is that, well, we wouldn’t even want to interview that fellow – not after that bizarre showing on VoA.
