Fifteen suspected motor vehicle robbers are in police custody as commanders in Kampala start a fresh drive to eliminate criminality.
The Inspector General of Police (IGP), who assumed office several weeks ago, has instructed commanders of various stations, divisions, and units to minimise criminal activity in the Kampala metropolitan area as soon as possible.
Accordingly, the Flying Squad Unit (FSU) has made plans to hunt down motor vehicle robbers.
How?
One, they intend to grow wings because it makes no sense to call themselves a Flying Squad when the only times they fly is when their creditors show up at their favourite Kafundas.
Two, they plan to employ American detective Axel Foley.
It is true; Foley is a fictional character having recently starred in the release of the hit movie Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F. This is the fourth instalment in Eddie Murphy’s iconic film franchise, Beverly Hills Cop.
On how a fictional character can help them fight criminality, the FSU said the crimes in Kampala are largely fictional. After all, the NRM did bring peace and calm to Uganda.
According to the FSU, several suspected criminals have been arrested in areas such as Ndeeba, Mukono, Kalerwe, Kawempe, and Bunamwaya.
These criminals have conducted more than 10 vehicle robberies in the last five weeks. Some vehicle owners were even in the cars when they were stolen!
So the criminals are also responsible for stealing people.
It is believed that some of these people were mistaken for vehicles. Especially the ones with motor-mouths, like that of a senior journalist called Andrew.
Incidentally, another word for “merry Andrew” is clown. Please remember that when you see that journalist happy in future.
Anyway, the new police spokesperson called “ACP I-am-Not-Enanga” praised the FSU for disrupting criminal activities by some of the gangs operating in the central and western regions of Uganda.
According to “ACP I-am-Not-Enanga”, some of the gangs were commanded by a witchdoctor, who is now in custody.
“There is a group that is suspected of being behind the stealing of lorries and selling them in Kampala and DR Congo. As a result, a well-known witchdoctor is in custody to help us with investigations into that matter,” ACP I-am-Not-Enanga said.
Adding, “The witchdoctor has already led our cops to many shrines and we recovered an orange shirt which we believe once belonged to a certain State minister.”
The witchdoctor shot to fame when a former Speaker visited his shrine in 2016.
We understand that it is this witchdoctor who has kept Manchester United and Arsenal football clubs a sanitary distance from any real trophies.
The IGP’s directive to commanders came when Kampala was experiencing Uh Oh-inducing crimes, including flying kicks gangs, and ride-along motorcycle robbery gangs.
In the days the IGP has been in charge, more than 150 suspects have been arrested in the Kampala metropolitan area.
“So many of these are the flying kicks gangs…we are now convincing them to join the Anti-Corruption Unit in order to help kick corruption out of Uganda. They, however, say they prefer to kick people. So we are in talks on how they can kick corrupt people only,” he said, forgetting that he was encouraging criminals to Karate kick police.
According to SSP, the Kampala metropolitan spokesperson, at least 80 suspects were arrested in areas such as Kisugu, Wabigalo, Namuwongo, Kibuli, Bukasa, Kabalagala, and Kansanga.
He added that many of the suspects were members of criminal gangs that victimised people, regardless of the time of day.
In Kabalagala, for instance, the criminals collude with sex workers so that they can rob their customers according to the lovemaking they prefer.
If customers are into action-packed romance, the criminals will turn their cash into a Liam Neeson movie as it is Taken.
About the witchdoctor: The witchdoctor shot to fame when a former Speaker visited his shrine in 2016.
We understand that it is this witchdoctor who has kept Manchester United and Arsenal football clubs a sanitary distance from any real trophies.
