Satire: The coffin dancer: A nation

I tried to dig into the flak only to return with something weird. Some letters in ‘commission’ went missing. My investigative nose instead returned ‘omission’ and the beeper loudly asked: “did you mean omission?” when I insisted on entering ‘commission.’

Either something is missing in this computer or ‘rights omission’ has been the right institution we have been failing to notice for all these years after all.

I saw chaps post all sorts of crass and greasy stuff about the rights omission chair. 

They have been saying so much that one would think the omission chair’s job description entails going to every household at dawn to pick whoever is going out, watching over them all day and delivering them back home at dusk in one piece.

For crying out loud, there are 44 million people in this Peril of Africa. Reports say many of the 44 million are mad. As in mentally whack.

Are we so callous and inconsiderate that we expect one omission chair to go around babysitting all the mad people? What else would the rights omission chair do anyway?

The rights omission chair only has to read a speech condemning what she has no idea about. But it appears like the current omission chair is a very upright fella. Rather than read stuff for the gallery, the fellow opts to eat cake in silence.

This is what every other dolt is not happy about. People, get a life!

I was filled with so much empathy for the poor ‘omissioner’ that I started thinking about The Coffin Dancer. This is a crime thriller by American bestselling author, Jeffery Deaver.

Detective Lincoln Rhyme, the foremost criminalist in the New York City Police Department, is on the trail of the Coffin Dancer, a cunning professional killer who has continually eluded the police. 

Rhymes, a quadriplegic since a line-of-duty accident, must use his wits to track this brilliant killer who has been hired to eliminate three witnesses in the last hours before their grand jury testimony. 

Rhyme and his eyes and ears, cop Amelia Sachs, have only one clue: the assassin has a tattoo on his arm of the Grim Reaper waltzing with a woman in front of a coffin.

So they codenamed him The Coffin Dancer.

But how is Deaver’s The Coffin Dancer related to the rights omission or missing?

The Coffin Dancer is a contract killer who is so mad about his job that once he takes a contract, he does not stop until the hit is taken. Not even the contractor can stop him.

Just like that, we have the rights omission, a job whose chair-holders have the enviable instruction from the real shareholder above that requires them to just sit there and issue statements to the gallery, if they wish, or just imbibe their cocktail drink and smooch cakes.

Presently, missing and coffin are becoming closely intertwined. One leads to the other and if I ran a coffin business, I definitely would want more missing.

The rights omission chair’s job is simply to enjoy what the shareholder above instructs them to do: nothing. Just like The Coffin Dancer, whose job description is to kill. And like the ‘omissioner,’ the Coffin Dancer is on contract.

It’s that simple, Ugandans. Let’s not conflate reality.