In Kampala, everyone is on some drug

We need to get a beer named ‘Kampala’...

KAMPALA IS A MOVIE! You cannot approach Kampala on nothing. You need something, even if it is coffee. Although I must argue, Kampala itself is a drug. It is a rare kind of drug... the only way to survive Kampala is to be half-awake/half-asleep. If you are fully awake, Kampala will traumatise you. You must watch Kampala with a ka-side eye. You watch it from a corner. It is unbelievable that Kampala is a concoction of everything.

Amos Wekesa used to ask: ‘What is your drug?’ He argued that no human being survived through the mundanity of existence without some drug. That everyone needed a drug to function. Some outlets, some release. For him then, his drug was jogging (at least the one he declared to us). I do not think men always declare their actual drugs.

But with the way Kampala is moving, I am now convinced that Wekesa’s theory holds. You cannot raw dog the Kampala experience. You cannot approach Kampala on nothing. You need something, even if it is coffee. Although I must argue, Kampala itself is a drug. It is a rare kind of drug.

If you want to know the drug that is Kampala, try any of the Kampala round-abouts during peak hours. You compete for every inch of space. We call it ‘sawa ya kazigizigi’. Kampala will always give you the adrenaline boost you need. But for you to take the Kampala drug, you need another drug – a coffee, a tea or even a serious Najjera slayer to stress your lungs out.

I suspect one of these days if one of the breweries got serious and gave us a beer named ‘Kampala’, it would be an instant hit. We need something that captures the essence of Kampala in form of a drink. It cannot be bushera, it must be some spirit or beer. The beauty with Kampala Beer is that it will have no time limits. You can wake up on Monday morning, look at your account balance and the interest from the telecom, and just wash that madness away with Kampala beer. Of course, this article is to also say, when the beer is launched, I will sue for patent rights.

The only way to survive Kampala is to be half-awake/half-asleep. If you are fully awake, Kampala will traumatise you. You must watch Kampala with a ka-side eye. You watch it from a corner. It is unbelievable that Kampala is a concoction of everything. If Kampala were a mental illness, it would be schizophrenic. I guess this will be the side effect of Kampala beer, could result in symptoms bordering on schizophrenia.

It is wrong to call Kampala a city. It is more than a city, it is many things. It is a portal into another world. I guess that is how we should even market Kampala. Kampala, the drug, the punch, the hit, the vodka, the thing that gives you the high and low. Because how is it that this one city gives me all kinds of feelings. How is it that in one moment I can go from loving Kampala to hating it? You can have a belly-laugh in Kampala only to exchange words with another person seconds later.

I wish we had serious researchers in Kampala but if you notice, the correlation between the rise in Subaru and Mark X brands coincided with the effects we see in Kampala today. But I have some solutions. You know, I am not like the big man with a hat who claims all fools survive here. The solution is to drop Luganda and adopt Swahili wholeheartedly.

The only language Ugandans respect is Swahili. Swahili terrifies Ugandans. Ever since I started mentioning a few words in Swahili, my friends have been keeping a distance. These days when I am flagged down by a traffic officer, I immediately fake a Swahili phone call. And start mumbling things around; ‘Aki, mwambie Afande Kamba nitakuja kesho. Ndiyo?” The next thing I get are apologies from the traffic officer, and him saying; ‘kumbe Afande you are also one of us…’

That is why the Ugandan army loves Swahili. I suspect it drives people nuts more than the guns they hold. Kuja hapa, lala chini. Toka, fungua mlango. Most Ugandan soldiers cannot go beyond those Swahili words (at least the ones I encounter these days). But what if going forward, the President gave his directives in Swahili? What if the teachers went full throttle on Swahili? What if traffic officers used only Swahili? Ugandans obey Swahili instructions like nothing. It does not matter who gives the instruction, if Ugandans hear a Swahili word, they will listen.

Speaking of Swahili, this is what makes Jose Chameleone exceptional. How did he come here, sing mainly Swahili songs and endear himself to Ugandans? How did he use a language they feared and found undying love? Ugandans will forgive Chameleone for anything. They gave him lifetime immunity. If any other musician woke up and did just a fraction of Chameleone’s errors, he would be blacklisted But let me also confess, Chameleone is the greatest of our era. None comes close. Bebe Cool knows this, that is why he urgently needs that battle. It will be the best gift that Chameleone gives Bebe Cool, accepting to battle him.

Finally, I was meant to write about Princess Sangalya’mbogo this week, aka the People’s Princess. But maybe that will wait until next week, when Ugandans have recovered from the Kampala drug. Oh Kampala. Wueh!

Twitter: ortegatalks