Parents ought to seek counselling if they feel pressure to catch up with parenting trends that do not align with their values. PHOTO/SHUTTERSTOCK
Naomi’s frustration deepened as her teenage son Arnold continued to disrespect her while she tried to talk to him. When he walked away, she snapped and yelled, “Don’t walk away while I am speaking to you!” She accidentally hit him in the face with a bottle of oil as he dodged around a stool in the kitchen. Arnold lost two teeth and had a black eye for weeks. Naomi is constantly plagued with the fear that she is not a good mother.
As Maya Angelou a poet once said, “I became the kind of parent my mother was to me,” echoing the sentiment that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Naomi grapples with feelings of failure in her role as a parent, haunted by guilt and remorse. Research indicates a significant connection between childhood trauma and mental health challenges, emphasising the necessity of addressing child abuse and aiding survivors and perpetrators.
Naomi, like numerous individuals, finds herself trapped in a cycle of generational trauma. Is it possible for these parents to escape the cycles of their past and create a brighter future for their children? Will the actions of today’s parents leave a lasting impact on the next generation? Jackie Kennedy, the former US First Lady, famously stated, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.”
Effect on children
Children from trauma-affected households often deal with anxiety and fear. Strict disciplinary practices can diminish their self-worth, making them feel unloved or insufficient. This can lead to the rise of aggressive or problematic behaviours. Long-term exposure to negative emotions can damage the trust bond between parent and child, creating issues with the child’s sense of security and comfort. Discipline influenced by intense emotions can disrupt clear communication, hindering the child’s ability to express their emotions freely.
Over time, the child’s anger grows, leading to defiance and a hardened attitude that renders punishment ineffective. The child’s emotions turn to resentment and a wish to harm the parent, resulting in rebellious behaviour that only serves to escalate the situation.
Children who are consistently exposed to their parents’ uncontrolled emotions may find it challenging to manage their own emotions in a healthy manner. Prolonged exposure to negative emotional atmospheres can lead to mental health problems such as depression and anxiety in children.
Parents’ role
Parents must regularly monitor their emotions, recognise feelings of anger, frustration, or stress. By identifying specific situations or behaviours that trigger strong emotional responses, parents can better prepare for and manage their emotions. Establishing consistent rules and consequences that children understand helps reduce the need for emotional reactions. It is important to communicate to children what behaviours are expected and the consequences of misbehaviour.
Parents should take a moment to pause and collect themselves before reacting to a challenging situation involving their children. By stepping back, they can regain composure and prevent potential conflicts that could have lasting effects on their children. Children respond well to positive reinforcement and encouragement. Recognising and rewarding good behaviour tends to produce more favourable outcomes.
As the English adage goes, “You can attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.” Here are some strategies that the Rev Eddie Dismas Bwesigye, an Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) therapist, says can be effective in helping parents navigate their emotions through therapy:
Form parenting groups
Parents should consider forming local parenting groups to exchange experiences, guidance, and resources, establishing a supportive network that can alleviate feelings of isolation. By learning from each other’s experiences, parents can gain understanding of different parenting styles, challenges, and solutions. These groups create opportunities for parents and children to socialise, fostering friendships and a sense of community. As an African proverb wisely states, ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’
Foster a safe environment
Parents groups should foster an environment where parents feel safe expressing their emotions. Encourage them to talk about their feelings without fear of judgment. Janet, a mother of three, says this safe space is her local church: “We have a women’s parenting group at my local church that gives me some therapeutic support on this road called parenting. We share our challenges both personal and parenting, and we are listened to without judgement. Group members come up with ideas and suggestions to help any member. It is no longer a lonely road to travel as it used to be when I was all alone.”
Prioritise self-care
Parents will benefit from promoting self-care. Taking time for themselves, engage in activities they enjoy, and prioritising their mental health will make them more agreeable.
“Parenting can take a big toll on your health if you do not care about yourself. It is not selfish but you can only give to the degree that you are healthy. I am one of those mothers who gave it my all without caring about myself until I found myself burnt out, easily irritable, stressed, frustrated, and snapping at everyone even for the smallest of things. It took one of my girlfriends to point this out. I was not even aware of it myself. Since then, I exercise thrice a week, take periodic breaks from my children, and spend time with my girlfriends for an evening or weekend. I am a lot better mentally,” says Masitula, a businesswoman and single mother of two.
Psychotherapy and counselling
These are valuable tools for parents who have made mistakes and crossed the line into abusive behaviour. These methods aim to assist individuals in modifying their behaviour, enhancing their well-being, and addressing challenges.
Through therapy, parents can gain insight into their emotions and how they contribute to excessive punishment. Parents must discipline their children calmly, without letting anger and resentment take over. This requires self-awareness and understanding. Therapists can help parents explore the root causes of their triggers and anger when faced with defiance from children.
By doing these, you can help parents better navigate their own emotions and enhance their overall mental health to better handle development of their children.
QUICK FACTS
Research indicates a significant connection between childhood trauma and mental health challenges, emphasising the necessity of addressing child abuse and aiding survivours and perpetrators.
Parents must regularly monitor their emotions, recognise feelings of anger, frustration, or stress. By identifying specific situations or behaviours that trigger strong emotional responses, parents can better prepare for and manage their emotions. Establishing consistent rules and consequences that children understand helps reduce the need for emotional reactions. It is important to communicate to children what behaviours are expected and the consequences of misbehaviour.
