Are arguments tearing your relationship apart?

In Uganda, where family and community ties are strong, maintaining a healthy relationship is essential to ensuring harmony both within the home and in the larger community. Here are some signs that your arguments with your partner might be unhealthy.

Constant blame

When disagreements turn into a cycle of blame with no clear solution, it is often a signal that the relationship is heading in a troubling direction. Fiona Nakato, a relationship counsellor, says, “In a healthy relationship, disagreements should lead to mutual understanding and compromise. If your arguments always end with one person blaming the other and no real solution, it is time to reflect on what is truly causing the friction.”

Repeating the same issues

Nakato observes that if partners keep revisiting the same issues without making progress, it could indicate that deeper unresolved problems are at play.

 “Repeating the same arguments without resolving them suggests that the underlying issue is not being properly addressed,” she notes. This leads to frustration, and over time, resentment builds, which can erode the relationship.

Hurtful language

Arguments in which one or both partners use insulting or degrading language are a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Samuel Ntege, a family therapist in Kitintale, Kampala, explains, “Words carry immense power and when used to hurt, they can cause emotional wounds that linger long after the argument has ended. If your partner frequently resorts to name-calling or insults, it is important to address this immediately.”

Repeatedly using hurtful language during disagreements can create deep emotional scars and lead to a breakdown of trust and affection in the relationship.

Avoiding conflict

On the other hand, avoiding conflict entirely is not a solution either. While it might seem like avoiding arguments helps to maintain peace, this often leads to suppressed feelings and unresolved issues.

“Avoiding conflict is just as harmful as constant arguing because it prevents partners from expressing their true feelings and resolving issues before they grow,” says Nakato, adding that avoidance of conflict can foster emotional distance between partners, leading to a lack of connection and intimacy.

Feeling drained

If every argument leaves you feeling emotionally exhausted, it may signal that the arguments are taking a toll on your mental and emotional well-being.

“Disagreements, even in a healthy relationship, should not leave you feeling depleted or hopeless,” notes Grace Katumba, a relationship coach in Wakiso.

 “When arguments consistently make you feel overwhelmed, it is important to recognise the impact they are having on your overall mental health,” Katumba explains.

Feeling constantly drained after arguments can signify that they are not being resolved in a healthy, productive manner.

Lack of respect

Respect is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and when it is missing during arguments, it signals deeper problems. Disrespect during arguments can take many forms, from interrupting each other to belittling the other’s feelings.

“When disrespect creeps into arguments, it is a sign that trust is eroding, which can eventually undermine the entire relationship,” Katumba adds.

Threats or ultimatums

If disagreements reach a point where one partner is issuing threats or ultimatums, it is a clear sign that the relationship is on shaky ground.

“Threats or ultimatums during arguments often stem from a desire to control rather than resolve the issue. Recognising this behaviour as a red flag is crucial,” Nakato emphasises.

She adds that threats create an environment of fear, making open and honest communication difficult.

Bringing up the past

Healthy arguments focus on the issue at hand, but when past mistakes are constantly brought up, it is a sign of unresolved resentment.

“When one partner keeps returning to old arguments or past wrongs, it shows that forgiveness and resolution have not been achieved,” says Katumba.

“This behaviour not only derails the current conversation but also prevents any meaningful progress from being made in the relationship,” he adds.

This cycle of rehashing old grievances can prevent couples from moving forward and deepening their connection.

Feeling unheard

If one partner feels that their emotions or opinions are consistently dismissed, it is a sign that the other may not be valuing their perspective. This can lead to feelings of frustration, isolation, and emotional disconnect.

“Both partners should feel heard and valued, even during disagreements. When someone constantly feels invalidated, it erodes the emotional bond,” says Mary Lwanga, a relationship counsellor.

This lack of validation can result in one partner feeling isolated within the relationship, unable to express themselves.

Physical aggression

Any form of physical aggression, whether it is pushing, hitting, or throwing objects, is a serious sign that the relationship is in danger.

“If your arguments escalate to physical aggression, it is crucial to seek professional help immediately,” Lwanga advises.

Physical aggression, no matter how minor, can quickly escalate into more serious violence, putting both partners at risk.

Arguments impact daily life

When the stress of arguments starts to affect other aspects of your life, such as your work or friendships, it is a sign that the relationship issues need to be addressed urgently.

“Constant tension at home can have a profound impact on your mental and physical well-being,” says Katumba, adding that persistent stress can lead to anxiety, depression, and a decline in overall health.

Arguments become public

In Uganda, cultural traditions often mean that relationships involve not just the couple but extended families and communities as well.

Seeking advice from elders can sometimes help mediate conflicts, but when arguments spill over into public settings, it can undermine the couple’s privacy and autonomy.

“It is common to seek advice from elders, but it is essential that the couple’s own needs and boundaries remain the priority,” says Lwanga.