My husband and I have been married for just over two years. Before we got married, we dated for a year during which I never saw this side of him. He often works late or goes out with friends after work. However, even when he returns home at midnight or later, he expects me to go to the kitchen and serve him hot, freshly cooked food. He dislikes anything that has been stored in the fridge. This situation is challenging because I want to show my care and support, but this routine disrupts my sleep and rest. It is important to me that he feels taken care of, but I also need him to respect my need for adequate sleep. How can I communicate these points without causing tension? Maureen
Thank you for sharing about the situation with your husband’s late nights and his expectations around meals. It is natural to feel some frustration when schedules do not align, especially when it disrupts your rest and sense of comfort. Here are some strategies that might help you manage this situation in a way that honours both your needs and his.
Start by having a calm and honest conversation with your husband about how his late-night schedule affects you. Choose a moment when you are both relaxed, rather than addressing it immediately when he comes home late or when you are feeling particularly tired. Express your understanding that he may want a fresh meal when he returns, but explain how waking up disrupts your sleep and energy. By sharing your perspective, he may become more aware of the impact his requests have on you.
Once you have communicated your needs, work together to find a compromise that respects both of you. For example, you could prepare a meal ahead of time and leave instructions for him to warm it up when he arrives. This way, he can enjoy the home-cooked food he desires, and you will not have to sacrifice your rest. Sometimes, small adjustments, such as having microwave or oven-ready meals, can create a balance between convenience for him and peace of mind for you.
Both partners may need to adapt for a balanced solution. If his late nights are frequent but not every night, consider designating certain nights for fresh, served meals while he manages on other nights. This routine helps meet his needs while allowing you to rest on other occasions.
It may also be helpful to discuss whether the nature of his work hours could shift to better accommodate both of you, especially if it impacts more than just mealtime. If his schedule cannot be adjusted, consider exploring ways to make this situation less taxing for both of you.
If this becomes a recurring source of tension, seeking guidance together may be beneficial. Marriage counselling can provide tools for both of you to communicate and compromise more effectively. Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that each partner feels understood and valued.
Remember, your need for rest and peace is valid. It is okay to assert these boundaries respectfully, and with time and patience, you can find a rhythm that honours both of you.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
