My husband insists on serving meat at home

I have started to notice a weird behaviour in my husband of three months.  Every time I am done cooking, especially meat, he will insist on serving himself under the guise of knowing what he wants. This is disturbing on all levels and I do not know how to tell him to stop it immediately. Please help.  

Anonymous

Self-service is one way to stop some of the traditional behaviours connected to food

Dear Anonymous,

This must be causing you a lot of stress, especially since the relation relationship too is still new. Love is only tested when two people start to stay together. This is the only time you get to learn more about your partner; their strengths and weaknesses.

This is also when sets in and each partner stops trying so hard to please the other. Meanwhile, this behavior may have been apparent even before marriage but was overshadowed by the love you felt for your husband.

 Your husband’s behaviour seems upsetting since you too could be facing the above-explained changes that any relationship goes through. It is essential to know that two people will always be different. Each might display a behaviour that is unacceptable or even despicable.

 One of the ways of managing your spouse’s irritating behaviour is by separating it into negotiable and nonnegotiable behaviour.

A non-negotiable behaviour might affect you beyond what you can handle but a negotiable behaviour is one you learn to tolerate and accept as part of your spouse’s weak points.

 Please pay more attention to your husband’s strengths, take stoke of all the good things you like about him and compare them with the negative ones. This will help you pay less attention to his weak points such as the fact that he prefers to serve meat at home.

 Self-service is one way to stop some of the traditional behaviours connected to food. Let your husband serve himself since this also gives him the freedom to eat as much as he wants. This will also take the pressure off you and in the end, your frustration will also reduce.

 No one is perfect and so two imperfect people come together and learn from one another.

Open communication about how you each prefer to be treated is healthy at this level since you are still learning from each other. Learn each other’s culture and behaviours which will help you adjust to new things that will keep surfacing as you continue walking this journey.

Also, differences are magnified and most testy when our lives are stressed.

If you find yourself grumbling about your partner, chances are you have not had an enjoyable time together recently.

Regularly reserve fun or relaxing time as a couple. Find activities you both enjoy. Invest in the relationship by doing more of the things that create greater closeness.

READER ADVICE

Pray without ceasing

Georgina Nabagereka. But I thought nowadays food is self-service, especially for a husband unless he tells you he wants to be served. I see no big deal in a man serving himself. Serve the food, put it on the table and let him choose what he wants. Do not cause conflict in your marriage because of such trivial things. Also, pray if this is new behaviour. If a man suddenly does not trust you with his food and clothes, there is cause for alarm. 

Self-service way to go

Freddie Rukundo. Prepare the food whether it is beans, peas, doodo and put on the dining table. Avoid serving him, even when there are visitors or relatives. In case he raises a complaint as to why you no longer serve him, tell him without any judgement or anger that you have noticed that he prefers to serve himself. If he is intelligent, he will know what you are trying to communicate.

How was he brought up?

Evelyn Namakula. I think it depends on what type of home he grew up in. In homes where self-service is normal, serving oneself is okay but in traditional homes where people eat from a lujuliro  (communal platter), the mother/wife has the full mandate of serving everyone in the house. Try to understand it from his perspective and see how you can accommodate him.

Talk to your husband

Marjorie Nalunkuma Luwemba. Have you spoken to him about it? If not, kindly ask him, without coming off as judgmental, why he always wants to serve the meat. On the flip side, thank God that he always wants to eat your food and cannot wait to serve himself a plate.

Let him eat it all

Donavan Alecs Nyakojo. You know what? Next time he buys meat, ask him to cook it and when it is ready, let him eat it all. You eat something else. When he asks what is wrong, this will be your opportunity to tell him what is disturbing you. Talk to your husband and together, come up with a solution.

Eat something else

Benard Okong. Do those men still exist? If that is the case, do not worry. When he buys meat, prepare it all and give him the saucepan to serve himself, then prepare yourself something different. With time, he will realise that what he is doing is wrong and he will desire to change.

Embarrass him

Bk Moosa. Do one thing; invite your mother and cook the meat as usual, serve the food and tell him to serve the meat. This kind of embarrassment will force him to change his ways immediately.

Self-service way to go

Elas Jason. Normalise putting sauce in a dish and letting everyone serve themselves. Your mother and grandmother knew the best meat to give to their husbands and at times, the husband’s pieces would be cut bigger and tied with a banana fibre. This was tradition and it worked for many. I do not see any reason why you cannot adopt the same principles.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation