How can I get my husband to plan something for Valentine’s?

Every year, my husband puts off celebrating Valentine’s Day saying it is just a waste of money and time. In fact, when I mention anything to do with Valentine’s Day, he gets so angry saying only children celebrate the day. It would mean a lot to me if he would put a little effort into planning something. How do I encourage him to surprise me without seeming entitled?

Annet 

Dear Annet,

It is an enjoyable experience to celebrate important dates as a couple and it is better when these celebrations are made more of a ritual. Although this would be the ideal, it may not be every person’s experience. An individual’s personality has an effect on how they behave, react and generally do things. It is normal to have expectations as a normal human being and look forward to celebrating important days such as Valentine’s Day together.

 Since you have been together for a while, it is important to note that people do not change drastically from the person we met when we start dating although they can learn if they are self-aware.

It seems as though celebrating Valentine’s Day means a lot to you yet according to your husband, it is a waste of time and money. My suggestion is that you do not give up but try to organise something that involves less effort from him.

  This can include simple things that you can enjoy together at your home. Some people go ahead to set up a candle-lit dinner at home. One can use scented candles and arrange the living room and bedroom in a way that suggests that this day is special.

 Remember, you might not force your husband to follow your wishes as this might put a strain on your relationship. It is easier to change how you approach this matter than trying to change him as a person.

 Take advantage of the light moments to communicate what this day means to you and let him know why you value his surprises on such days. It is also possible that he has no interest but as suggested above, behaviour can be learnt and also unlearned.

 It is also safer to lower your expectations as this will help you not to focus so much on how your husband will celebrate this day. You can do simple things as suggested above or just do that which will at least make you happy.

Shifting constant attention away from this day will let you realise there is a lot you can do and be happy on this day.  It is important to note that a couple might be happy throughout the year but one day might destroy all the good things built due to unmet expectations. Take time to learn from each other and where possible, compromise or tolerate each other.

Reader advice

Surprise him instead

Jimmy Wester. Why must it be him to surprise you? There is some bit of selfishness in that statement alone. How about you surprise him yourself? Get to know his love language and appeal to it. Men also love to be wanted and loved. It is not about giving and giving without receiving. Reciprocate and all shall be well.

You cannot force him

Stella Marris Myrrh. I do not think it is a good idea to put someone under pressure just because you want to celebrate one day in the year. What if you force him to celebrate and he actually breaks up with you? Love your husband and continue with your marriage as it has been. I am sure it is not bad at all.

Act and he will change

Justine Woods. I married a man who does not have a romantic bone in his body. Many things would go unnoticed and at first it really hurt me. However, I decided to celebrate him, especially on days such as Valentine’s and anniversaries which he would not even remember. Years went by and every time, I would get him something special for him. He is now converted; he remembers every special day and goes out of his way to make me feel special.

It is a waste of money

Akim Muhwezi. So, those who do not celebrate Valentine’s Day do not love each other? It is indeed a waste of money because love is usually celebrated every single day.

Demands will not work

Getrude Nakaddu. If you really want to celebrate the day, then surprise your husband. He will learn from you. But do not demand it like it is a need.

Make each day special

Ivan Ssebunya. One day you will realise that in marriage, every day is supposed to be Valentine’s Day. Make each day special for your husband and with time, he will reciprocate.

Appreciate his love too

Mlord Kaysm Cassy. You are indeed being selfish. It is not written anywhere that a woman cannot surprise her husband on Valentine’s Day. Plan something for him as a way of showing your love and appreciation for him.

Outgrow this notion

Phoebe Miriam. Annet, do not nag your husband. If he does not believe in Valentine’s Day, please outgrow it as well and move on.

Give and you will receive

Benjamin Odongo. Women should learn that love is never about taking and never giving up. It is between the two of you, so buy something for him and maybe this way he will know that you love celebrating the day.

What is Valentine’s Day?

Brian Mugume. Annet, what is Valentine’s Day? First answer this question then tell me why you are so bent on celebrating the day that you would want to put your marriage at risk for it.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation