How to digitally disentangle after a break up

Digital technologies can be great when looking for love and displaying togetherness to the world. But for those who are dealing with a newly broken heart, here is a practical checklist for how to deal with the digital aftermath of a romantic break-up.

Do not pick up the phone

As tempting as it might be to check up on your ex online, do not do it. Yes, it is easy to take a peek at your ex’s Facebook profile or Instagram feed and see what they have been up to, without them ever knowing you were there, but still …

This kind of Facebook “stalking” is fairly common, but it is not a good idea. It can lead to an increase in longing and sexual desire for your ex, levels of distress, and negative feelings, as well as a decrease in personal growth post-breakup.

Every time you visit your ex’s profile, it makes moving on that much harder for you (but does not affect them in the slightest). Why put yourself through the pain?

Do not let them in

When you are in a relationship, all of the different ways you have of keeping in touch with your partner online are the bee’s knees. Facebook, Snapchat, WhatsApp, or Google make keeping up-to-date with each other so easy; but what about after a breakup?

Suddenly, the WhatsApp thread that you used to make plans together can turn into a direct line for your ex to get a hold of you, while the location data you shared on Google can make stalking you infinitely easier. What about the passwords you shared, or the logins you saved on your ex’s laptop – how much access does your ex have to you and your online accounts?

After a breakup, take steps to reduce their access. Some social media platforms such as Facebook have an option to end sessions on particular devices, and others, such as Google, give you the option of logging out of all devices. Consider changing your passwords or adding extra security to your accounts with two-step verification. You can also turn off location services on your mobile phone and other devices.

Do not be their friend

This one is tricky. After you break up, should you “unfriend” your ex, and sever connections across social media? Severing your online connections might seem brutal, yet a big part of being able to move on after a break-up is about being separate from your ex, both on and offline.

If you do not want to completely sever connections, there are other options. A good one is to add your ex to your “restricted list” on Facebook. This sneaky option means that it looks like you are still friends with your ex, but you only share your posts with them when you choose “public” as the audience, or when you tag them in a post. And you can still see their posts, even though you know that is not a good idea.

If you are under them, you are not getting over them

Facebook “pushes” content at us. It reminds us of our past posts, based on their popularity. It alerts us to new posts by the people who are important to us.

On a bad day, you could get notifications about your ex’s current activities and reminders of memories of happier days as a couple. To dodge these bullets, do two things: First, alter your Facebook “on this day preferences” to remove people (your ex) or significant dates, and stop those unwelcome memories from coming at you.

Second (if you are still Facebook “friends” with your ex), change the preferences for your news feed. There is an option to “prioritise who to see first”. Take that little blue star off of your ex’s photo, and their updates will no longer be on top of your Facebook feed.

They do not love me

If you have set your “status” on your Facebook profile to indicate romantic togetherness, for example, in a relationship, engaged, or civil partnership, you may want to change it. A change from togetherness to singledom will only appear on your timeline if you choose it to do so.

Sharing news of the break-up with your friends on social media can be like ripping off a plaster; painful but you only have to do it once. However, breaking the news will likely generate responses from your friends, for better or for worse. And if your friends are not too tech-savvy, those opinions may be quite public. Think about letting your friends know that you would rather communicate privately with them about the break-up, online or offline.

New rules

If you were cohabiting, it is likely that you shared online accounts for everything from utilities to media streaming services such as Spotify. Often, these accounts are intended to be used by just one person, and are password protected. If you are the account holder, change your passwords.

If you are not the account holder, get all of the details that you need from the accounts (for example the name of your electricity provider, the Game of Thrones episode you were watching) before your ex changes the password and you lose access.

Write it down and read it out

It is tempting to make it look like you are coping well and having an amazing time in your newfound singledom by posting only very positive images and text about your fun activities and new friends. If you aim to show your ex that you are doing great without them, go right ahead.

But bear in mind that if your friends see those same posts, they may be less likely to offer you their support, since you look like you are doing fine.

So, make good use of your online social media, and make it a force for good after a romantic break-up. Do not look at what your ex is doing. Do let your friends know that you need them. And things will start to look up.

Stalkerware

Even if you have wiped the slate clean, you may still be at risk from tracking or monitoring apps on your phone, especially if you are using an Android device.

It can be difficult to spot, but some signs can include unexpected spikes in data usage, an overheating battery, and unusual apps appearing on the phone. A factory reset might do the trick, but there are still some risks to Android phones.

This story was first published by theconversation.com