My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than three years. She recently graduated from university and I thought our relationship was on the road to maturity. To my surprise, she told me she no longer loves me and asked that we take time off the relationship. She says she cannot explain why her love for me has reduced. I love her so much but it seems she is looking for a way out of the relationship. What should I do? Bruce.
Dear Bruce,
I can only imagine how much pressure this has put on you. An abrupt ending of a three-year-old relationship can cause emotional pain, especially due to the time invested both emotionally and physically.
While it is painful to let go of such a relationship, it is also important to respect her decision. She is asking for space and time off. Consider some of the following options:
Accept the pain that will come along with the loss of a relationship. This is a time for you to take care of your feelings as you are vulnerable to stress. Remember this takes some time but clears with time. Denial makes it only worse.
Use this time for self-development and self-reflection. This can reduce the preoccupation of your situation. Find activities that you enjoy, spend time with people who love you and make you happy.
Give her the space she is asking for as putting much pressure on her will instead push her further. It is important to respect her decision.
If you decide to speak about this with her, communicate clearly and respectfully. Try not to be confrontational as this will only trigger anger from both of you.
The other option is for you to see a professional counsellor who can help you to process these painful emotions. This will also enable you to make an informed decision in this case.
Because you feel vulnerable, you may feel the need to call your partner all the time. However, such behaviour must be avoided because making accusations or putting them down will not bring you both together.
Your partner might feel attacked and respond by withdrawing further. Another reaction might be to become defensive. In a worst-case situation, they might pull away completely and disengage.
It is also best not to hastily decide the relationship is over and walk away. You do not have enough information to make such a decision.
Remember that when you love someone who wants something different from what you want, your fate with them is no longer up to you. If they do not wish to claim a place in your life right now, you have to trust that they are doing the right thing for themselves and you.
Even if you love them and would crawl over burning coals to be around them, you have to let them go. You are letting him go because you trust that real love can never be lost.
Lastly, whether or not a break will ‘work’ for your relationship depends on what you define as success. If you define success after a break as getting back together, know that may not be the case.
However, it should help you see things more clearly and get your emotions in order.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
Reader advice
Maybe she needs a break
Precious Naturinda. In relationships, there are times when you feel you need some time alone; not because you hate your lover but because you need to be free for a while. It happens and sometimes does not mean the end of a relationship.
Marry her
David Lubega. Do you understand your supposed girlfriend? Girlfriends are not secure because midway they get a serious person and find their true destiny. Why are you still dating after three years? Do not assume she will wait. Love must come to an end, especially if it is plain. All girlfriends are in open relationships; it is only married women who are not. So, if you love her, marry her.
Check yourself
Dan Ssenabulya. Some women can be complex, where caring, loving and being kind to them instead turns them off and makes them look at you as desperate or ‘thirsty’. You have heard of women being attracted to ‘bad boys’ and how they find the ‘Mr Nice guy’ boring! Hard life.
Assess the relationship
Mike Ochendi. If she wants her time, give it to her as you also take time to reflect and evaluate the relationship. You have not mentioned things to do with your education and work but in case you are working and have plans to settle soon, then you have to discuss it with her. How much time does she need? On the other hand, in case both of you have just finished school, go slow on the whole issue of relationships. It is a lifetime commitment with a lot of complications.
It could be for the better
Amanda Prdu. Unfortunately, there is probably nothing you can do. Take time to grieve the end of your relationship and heal. Then, when you begin again, do it the right way. Take time to get to know your girlfriend, and go for premarital counselling with an experienced and reputable elder. Respect the power of physical intimacy and leave it until you both have made a lifetime commitment to each other.
Move on
Woods Western. Your importance in her life is no more. She might now be looking at you as someone who is no longer fitting to be in her league due to her current achievement. Move on. Always expect the best but prepare for the worst.
Accept it is over
Martin Ssebyala. You have been dumped and replaced. Just move on with your broken heart. You will heal and find new love. The earlier you accept that the quicker the recovery. However, be warned, it is not going to be easy because the deeper you loved her, the more it will hurt.
She has moved on
Phoebe Miriam. Your answer is right there. She has said she does not love you anymore; that should speak volumes to inform your way forward. Do not wait for her to say it is over. She is already in another relationship and you need to find your level.
