How to handle success and egos in relationships

Most of us strive to be the best we can be, especially in our careers. When you are more successful than your partner (even if you are not competing in the same challenge or line of work) you can expect some tension in your relationship.

I hate that I just wrote that latter statement or that it is still a reality for many today. I am comfortable enough to celebrate the small wins I have had in life while I plan and look forward to more without being aggravated by the many successes of my peers, especially my significant other.

Unfortunately, we are born and raised in a system that pumps ideals and images of competition into our minds right from our foundation straight into adulthood. We think that competing and appearing to be more successful than another person grants us superiority or an important place in society.

I believe this is a sickness. A sickness of the mind that you are constantly working hard not for the betterment of yourself but to appear greater than another, constantly focused on what they are doing. I have recently come across a quote that directly applies to this, “Comparison is the thief of joy” and it is true to this just as it is to any other part of life.

So, gentleman, I am going to refer to you just a bit here because this problem appears to be worse among men. Males will be agitated if their female counterpart outperforms them in even the most trivial tasks, such as exercising to lose weight together. I find it so disturbing that one would allow their ego to be so bruised, that they would in turn choose to be upset at their partner.

My intention, however, is not to put focus and blame on one gender, but to see how both can be villains in creating tension around success.

 One needs to stop looking at the relationship as a competition as opposed to a partnership. If you care about the person you are with as much as you care about yourself, then competing with each other is not the path to take to secure longevity. You should instead think of how to support your partner and think of what sort of support you need from them to elevate yourself to where you desire to be professionally and financially.

Open the lines of communication on the topic, and make sure the insecure party feels adequate. That you are equal in building a life together and not in competition with each other because a win for one is a win for both.

Become your partner’s biggest cheerleader, and eliminate any thought of competition from their mind by showing them you are doing your best to make sure they do well. Become their fan, champion them and everything they do even if they do not earn as much as you do.

Figure out your joint finances. Essentially, money should not be the root of all evil but if you have disparate incomes, it very well can be. How you split money is up to you and different couples will handle their finances differently. The key is to arrange money in a way that allows both partners to have a fair share of independence and financial responsibility regardless of career success.

Pay attention to the power dynamic. Most unions have a power imbalance and it is usually very clear who holds the reins. It is natural to assume that because you make more money, you should take the lead in the relationship. Try balancing it out and making the system equal for you both.

We all have an ego, we all want to be successful and I see no fitting reason as to why my success should intimidate someone nor do I see anyone’s achievements blocking me from supporting them. There is enough room and enough earth for all of us to shine.