Losing and finding yourself in a relationship

Falling in love is a beautiful feeling. For a time, especially in the beginning, we are happy to go along with whatever makes our beloved happy. We are more adventurous, more accommodative and we see nothing but the best in every situation.

Unfortunately, we know this wears off and we are forced to wake up to the reality of human relationships. What will make or break the relationship is how well one can adjust from the dreamy haze, reclaim their identity and accommodate their partner’s changing identity too.

Losing yourself in a relationship is not a bad thing; it is something that happens to the best of us. This sense of meshing is beautiful and so alluring that even the most self-aware person starts to lose themselves and adapts to the habits and ideals of that relationship. 

You have seen those couples that are so totally meshed that you cannot tell where one ends and the other one begins.  They start ignoring everyone else apart from each other and spend rather unhealthy amounts of time together. During that time, every other relationships and commitments are ignored and left to suffer. When you find yourself at the loss of what to do the odd time your partner has plans that do not involve you, it is not healthy. 

This merging of personalities, just like any other thing in life has levels; on the end of the spectrum is where the individual is completely out of the loop of who they are and they have no idea it is happening to them. They are unable to remember who they were before the relationship and find it hard to function without its support. They are lost in love.

If you are lucky enough to meet a nurturing partner, they might be able to awaken in you a whole different personality you did not know existed within you. If you are not that lucky, you might end up in an unfortunate dependence situation where you are at your partner’s mercy which exposes you to manipulation and abuse. Recovering from this kind of state is scary and tough, but awareness is the first step.

Ideally, before you enter any sort of relationship with someone else you should know who you are. You should be aware of what your values are, what your motivations and your worth are. What can you take and where do you draw the proverbial line in the sand? There are also more secondary factors about yourself such as interests, passions, life goals, personality traits, and pet peeves. But what if you ‘forgot’ all that during that period?

The first thing counsellors advise is taking a step back from the relationship and reclaiming yourself.  Take time to enjoy the things that made you happy before.  Instead of relying on the relationship as an emotional booster, start doing activities or rituals that make you feel great.

Once you have gained clarity on your inner world, focus on the external. What behavioural traits and activities are not part of you but rather a depiction of dependence? What are your authentic goals, dreams and aspirations?  Identify your authentic desires, your needs and make them a priority. To flourish in romantic relationships or any other relationships for that matter, you need to enter them when you are whole and empowered enough to let someone into your life without losing yourself. 

Being yourself should not preclude you from being with somebody else. Give yourself a firm foundation, and make room for people in your life only after being whole with yourself. Beyond it all, know there is no one magic strategy for thriving as an individual in a relationship.

Your intuition will guide you on what you need to fix and how to fix it. It does not matter how nice your partner is, you need to find your voice by taking time to be alone, or with friends, and listen to your inner self. Learn to be brave in love by speaking up and letting your voice be heard while at the same time being mature enough to listen to your partner’s.