My girlfriend does not want to be intimate

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years and I love her very much. However, about a week ago, I received a message from her, with a set of rules. First, there would be no more sex, kissing, romance or meetings, no more sleepovers at her place or mine, and that I should never cheat on her. To me, this ceases to be a relationship. What should I do? 

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It is true that love is interpreted differently, according to what we have been told or seen during childhood. This includes the values that are taught from childhood; either Christian or cultural. Women relate more emotionally than men with the former interpreting intimacy as a sign that the relationship is permanent. The latter on the other hand might see intimacy as a game. It could be that your girlfriend loves you but has set values about intimacy that probably guide her decision. Many families teach children about sex being sacred and, therefore, should only happen after marriage while for some it is not a major emphasis.

 Use the information your girlfriend has shared with you as a talking point. Ask her in a non-confrontational way why she made that decision, which will help you understand what is going on from her point of view. It is also important to respect each other’s feelings and views about intimacy. Take time to learn your girlfriend’s fears. The more you discuss an issue, more you will both understand what is going on and find a suitable solution.

 It could also be that you have been in a relationship for a while. What was it like in the past? Is this the first time she has come up with such rules? These leading questions will help you to make a fair conclusion and may also give you insights on how to deal with the problem in case this has happened before.

With a new relationship, physical intimacy could have been exciting, but now, your girlfriend is slowing down. She could be going through something that has rendered her unable to continue pretending that all is well. You should both meet a professional counsellor who will make the discussion easier by providing space for you to openly share your views.

Experts say there is always some degree of incompatibility in relationships. A couple is never going to want sex at the same time. However, one should not lose hope, but keep trying, especially if the relationship has been stable. It is also important to shift your attention to other things as you give your girlfriend time to overcome what she is facing at the moment. Being obsessed with a need makes you become critical and could negatively affect the relationship in the long run.

Reader advice

Give her time

Jane Naggayi. If she does not want to be intimate and you really care about her, then respect her wishes and give her time. Decide if you think she is worth waiting for, while you both learn more about each other. If you are concerned that her decision is in anyway reflective of her commitment to you or how she views you, then you are making it too much about you. See it from her perspective. What does she want, what is important to her, what does she think and feel? Talk about it with her.

Build the relationship

David Musoke. It is possible to give and receive love without intimacy. Building the strength of your relationship through knowing each other, common values, beliefs and long term goals before intimacy will lead to deeper understanding of each other, alignment of values and building trust. When intimacy happens too early, before you really know each other, you will not have the same opportunity to get to know each other since judgment gets clouded.

Decide if you want to go

Dan woods. You may need to consider if this is the right relationship for you. Many couples are not sexually compatible. It is not a judgment on either person, but sometimes it simply does not work. It can be hard to end a relationship solely because of mismatched sex drives, but keep in mind that sex is one of the reasons couples break up.

Respect one another

Joyce Magezi. Any long-term relationship is bound to suffer sexual difficulties and it goes a long way when both parties are not willing to recognise the issues and take active steps together. If your girlfriend refuses to put effort into your sex life, or belittles you for your desires, you may need to find a better teammate. Staying in this relationship might frustrate both of you to the point of hating each other.

What is your end goal?

Annette Orishaba. If you are not ready to get married, do not start dating. This only means that you are dating for fun.

Marry her

Susie Ann Nants. Please follow the godly way. Marry her and she will be yours forever. Stop raising hope you are never going to maintain.

Communication is key

Patience Natie Nampa. Be open with her. Talk and express how you feel towards everything. Communication is key in relationships.

It is time to settle

Mathew Lusaka. What I know is that women love commitment at one point in their relationships. She has given you three years of her life and if you are still interested in just being intimate without formalising the relationship, then you are going to lose her. At this point in time, she thinks you are just wasting her time.

Ask her why

Joy Murithi. It is important that you talk with your girlfriend before jumping to conclusions. Find out the reason for her actions and work out a solution with her.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation