I love my husband but his eating habits are starting to get on my nerves. First of all, he has a big appetite, which is okay because he works out and is fit. However, it becomes a problem when you are invited to parties or when you eat out. He will fill his plate with food that he will have to hold at the bottom. Then, he will start chewing his food loudly, with his mouth open that some small pieces will escape. Even when food sticks to his mouth, he does not use a serviette until he is done eating. Most of the time, he carries on with a conversation with his mouth full of food. I do not know what to do because talking to him has not helped. Please help.
Janet
Dear Janet,
It is logical to be disturbed by your husband’s eating behaviour, which is made worse in social situations. It feels good to be comfortable while around your loved one but mannerisms such as poor eating habits can get in the way of this happiness.
If this situation is new, it could be a sign of either a dental problem or even a negative way of coping. However, if this has been ongoing, then it could have something to do with how he was raised.
In some families, children are left to do as they wish with no close monitoring by an adult. Sometimes, it is harder to correct such behaviour later in life, unless one is self-aware and willing to learn new behaviours.
Use of gentle reminders, especially during your light moments together can be an opportunity to bring it up in a non-confrontational way and to talk about how you feel about it. Listen non-judgmentally and learn from his perspective.
Brainstorm ideas on how you can support him. This will move you away from complaining to instead make suggestions such as serving less and then going back for more.
Love and respect not only play a big role in enabling the person to feel loved, but will also provide a way for you to make suggestions. Once in a while, you can decide to let it pass. Try not to stereotype him as this makes him feel worse.
Suggest a joint etiquette class online where you can both learn and support each other. Also, look out for self-help materials that you can read together. Remember, changing a behaviour takes time and so, you must be patient. Be supportive of one another. Feeling supported on its own is a good remedy.
Encourage your husband to train himself every day. If hekeeps practicing, things will come naturally to him. Knowing how he ought to behave will save him from a lot of embarrassing situations in the time to come and he will be able to act in a manner befitting his status as a loved husband and friend.
READER ADVICE
Be gentle and kind
Jane Mukisa. It is important to approach this situation with kindness and empathy. It is possible that your husband may not be aware of his table manners or may not understand how they are impacting others. One approach could be to have a conversation with him in a non-judgmental way and express your concerns. You could also offer to help him improve his table manners by practising together or researching resources together. Additionally, there are many online courses and classes available that focus on dining etiquette and table manners.
Tell him the truth
David Nakabaale. Your husband must have many wonderful qualities if you married him knowing this is the way he consumes his food. Among them is an awareness that he should modify his eating habits when he is with friends. If he is reluctant, point out that his bad eating habits make others uncomfortable. It may motivate him to try harder.
Show him it is not okay
Justine Kityo. I am not sure if this will help you but it worked for me. I would shield my eyes with my hand when we ate. Three months of that and he gave up and acquired some table manners. He saw it as his right to eat any way he wished. I saw it as mine to not have to look.
Go to etiquette class
Godfrey Mukasa. Ask your spouse to start observing others when dining out and watch their table manners improve. Or, you could sign up for a couples dining etiquette class and make it fun and let the instructor be the deliverer of the news.
You cannot change him
Agnes Nakato. You are never going to change each other. If there is something about him that bothers you; something that is a deal-breaker, then please cut him loose. You go look for someone good for you as is and let him find someone for whom he is good as is.
It is too late
Donald Matovu. Is this not something you would have noticed before marriage? The time to ‘help’ him was during the dating process. Why do women marry men and then decide how they need to be moulded to make them satisfactory mates? No matter how you approach him, he will feel bad.
Be his teacher
Blessing Agaba. Take courage and talk to him calmly. Be his teacher. When in public and you notice his mouth open, pinch him. Always ensure that you sit beside him so that you can assist. If you notice food on his mouth, get a serviette and give it to him. Be patient with him.
Focus on the postives
Olivia Anyeko. Focus on his positives. When such small things start irritating you, just know you have fallen out of love with him. If you still love your husband like you say, then find ways to rekindle your love for him. Talk to him about his easting habits and together, find a solution.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
