I am a 25-year-old mother of one. I recently discovered that the father of my baby has a child who is only 10 months older than mine with another woman. When I asked him about it, he told me he loves me and plans to marry me. But I checked his phone and found messages of him telling the other woman that we are only connected by the child and it is her he loves. I have thought of quitting but I am worried about my baby’s wellbeing since I am financially unstable. I am now confused.
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn,
This must be a challenging situation for you. It is understandable to feel confused and worried about the baby and your financial situation. However, you still have to decide whether to quit or continue with the relationship. There are some red flags already, indicating a lack of commitment in the relationship. Discovering that your child’s father is running two relationships at the same time can be emotionally disturbing. You can consider some of the suggestions below:
Prioritise your emotional well-being. You may not be able to control your boyfriend’s behaviour but you can decide how to react to this situation. Find a support system to lean on, whether a family member, friend or if possible, seek counselling.
While financial stability is important for you and the baby, would it be worth it to stay in a relationship that is not stable? Long-term relationships thrive best on mutual love, respect and commitment. Is this something you envision in this relationship?
Consider exploring new ways of finding resources within your community while also learning a new skill. Learning a new skill can enable you to enhance your financial stability in the long run. Dependency is one of the reasons many people will choose to stay in a toxic relationship.
Take time to reflect upon what you want in a relationship. Your values might guide you better in this situation. Consider finding a therapist to help you align this such that you make an informed decision.
In case you decide to part ways with the father of your child, you can think of co-parenting as a second option. This can enable the child to access both their parents. It will also create an avenue for him to provide for the child financially.
Above all, take your happiness as a priority. You deserve someone who loves and respects you.
It would also help to have an open and honest conversation with him regarding the entire issue, if you feel up for it. Of course, the conversation could be tense and may aggravate the hurt you are feeling. But there are certain questions only he can answer for you. It might just give you the insight you need to make your decision.
If you do choose to have this conversation, try not to jump into an accusatory place. State your feelings firmly and try to hold out as much empathy for him as you can. That is the only way the conversation will stay on track and will not make either person defensive.
Lastly, do not deny your emotions. All of your emotions, whether it be grief, sadness, anger, envy or frustration, are perfectly valid. Try to hold space for these emotions and avoid suppressing them.
Reader advice
Consider counselling
Clever Murungi. Discovering that your husband has a side relationship can be devastating. Take time to process your emotions. It is normal to feel angry, hurt, or betrayed. Give yourself space to grieve and reflect. Consider counselling to work through issues, or reassess if this relationship is healthy for you.
Gain financial stability
Matlotliso Khonthu. Try to be patient a little longer until your child is two years old. Then, take them to pre-school while you seriously look for a job. Once you are financially independent, leave but insist that he takes care of his child.
It could be worse
Harriet Sheryl. You are burdened by such a simple issue? Those are the games men play. If he can tell a side chic that I am with my wife just because of the vows I made what do you expect? Acknowledge you are a co-wife and settle down. You may leave that relationship and end up with someone who has five children from five different women.
Let him leave
Karlene Grant. You are giving this man power over you. You have seen all that he said about you and you are willing to stay in the relationship. Where is your self-worth? You deserve so much more.
He is not dependable
Christiana Oluwabunmi. He has not married you yet. Politely ask your mother to take care of the baby while you find a job to help you build a stable future for you both. That man is undependable and he will betray you. If he truly loves you, ask him to pay your bride price.
The child’s welfare is key
Fortune Mtai. The well-being of the baby is more important than him marrying you. Come to an agreement with him on the child’s welfare and if you want to leave, do so.
Find your peace
Harun Sikolia. How do you even ask that? It is obvious the man is untrustworthy. Find something to do and let him be. Even if he marries you, he will still be tied to the other woman because of the child. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache.
You have the facts
Generous Nakie. That man is playing both of you; you either accept that and have peace of mind or you quit and be a single mother.
The choice is yours
Mokgethwa Kgalalelo. As long as you have resolved to be dependent on him, you will never think of ways to empower yourself and be independent. The choice is yours; whether you are going to subject yourself to selfishness or whether you are going to be independent and put yourself in a position to raise your child on your own.
He is not dependable
Rhoda Nankabirwa. Dear parents, let us do more to make sure our daughters do not engage in premarital sex. That aside, men are liars and at this time you cannot tell who he is fooling. Begin thinking of a backup plan and execute it as soon as you are ready.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
