My wife disrespects and taunts me for earning less

I had a toxic but high-paying job for a while. Because of the stress I was going through, my girlfriend (now wife) motivated me to follow my passion and get another job, even if it paid less. Three years later, we got married and now she keeps taunting and disrespecting me because I earn less and our spending has become a mismatch. She complains all the time and her continuous nagging has taken a toll on my mental health. I see it as hypocrisy. What should I do? Although my former bosses are eager to hire me back, I do not want to go back into that hellhole. Please advise.

Mark

Navigating a situation where financial dynamics seem to affect the respect in a marriage can be challenging. Here are some pieces of advice you might consider:

Start by having an honest conversation with your wife about how you are feeling. Share your thoughts on the disrespect you perceive and how it impacts your relationship. Approach this discussion with empathy, focusing on your feelings rather than placing blame. Try to understand her feelings about her income and what it means to her. She might be experiencing pressure or stress related to her job, which could inadvertently affect how she interacts with you.

Discuss the roles you both play in the household, not just financially but in terms of responsibilities and contributions. It is essential to recognise that both partners can contribute in different ways, financially, emotionally, and practically. Remind each other of the mutual respect that should be the foundation of your relationship. Discuss what respect looks like for both of you and how it can be demonstrated in your daily interactions.

Talk about how you can both work together as a team, ensuring that both partners feel valued and respected regardless of income levels. This might include discussing financial decisions together and finding ways to support each other’s ambitions.

If disrespect continues or if communication becomes difficult, consider seeking help from a marriage counsellor. A neutral third party can facilitate healthier conversations and help you both understand each other better.

Take some time for self-reflection. Consider your feelings about your role in the relationship and how societal views on gender and income may influence your perspective. Recognising and addressing any underlying insecurities can help strengthen your relationship. Make an effort to celebrate each other’s achievements, regardless of financial standing. Acknowledging each other’s hard work can foster a supportive atmosphere in your marriage.

The key is to foster an environment of openness and understanding, where both partners feel valued and respected.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

Readers' advice
End the relationship

Praise Alex. It seems you used to spend on her and when you got a less paying job, the expenditure reduced so the disrespect started.
I advise you to have a chat with her about the change in her behaviour. If she insists on disrespecting you, open the door and let her go. We live once.

Plan next move
Moses Earthe. For now, be a silent man. Allow her to do whatever she want as you prepare your brain for whatever will come. This includes divorce. Most women who behave like this do not value marriage.

Stay where you are 

Bartholomew Diaz Nsubuga: Find yourself a woman who does not nag. Quite hard but not entirely impossible. Do not sift through jobs because of a woman who never appreciates your efforts. Otherwise you will be miserable for the rest of your life.

Do not listen to her
Rash Rashid. What did you expect? This commonly happens the moment you start to follow your wife’s emotional and selfish decisions. Mine told me to fire my female receptionist because she was hard working and took good care of clients. If I had done so, would we still have a company?

Focus on development
Kollinz Agaba. I would categorically say, go back to your job, keep a low profile. You may not even let her know that you went back to your job. Do not boss her, but just act normally as if things are still worse and surprise her after by taking her on a trip to show her who is boss. Or acquire an asset that will show her that you back on your feet.

Distance yourself
Phoebe Miriam. Mark, do not return to the hell hole. However, distance yourself from the woman you call a wife and let her be indefinitely. That way, she will do a soul search and reform.
If symptoms persist, call off the relationship and move on.

Why not call it quits? 

Davez Akampa. The toxic job will drain you as much as your wife. I say you should keep where
you are and if you feel it is not paying enough money, then you go to a bigger company. Just ignore the taunting from the wife or better still, call it quits.

Go back to old job
Cyrus Suge. Go back to your old job but start a side hustle using the savings. Succeed in secret and let your hard work speak for itself.

Its not that easy
Jane Mukisa. Leaving a relationship that is already established is not that easy. This is not such a big issue to warant leaving a relationship. Talk to each other and if this fails, seek professional help.