She takes money and gifts from other men

I am a 28-year old man and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for four years. We love each other and are planning to get married. However, I recently discovered that my girlfriend flirts with other men, including her colleagues and she often takes gifts and money from them. When I told her to stop doing that, she got offended and accused me of being narrow-minded.

Recently, one of her friends put up a profile picture on his social media and that picture was taken in a club with his arms around my girlfriend. My girlfriend even responded to his profile picture with a heart emoji. I am depressed because I love her a lot but no amount of discussion or persuasion can make her change her attitude. Please tell me what to do.

Anonymous

Sorry about your situation. As a young man, you seem to have the intention of wanting to settle down with your girlfriend in marriage.

However, your relationship is not moving in the direction you desire. Sometimes, relationships bring us to the epitome of joy in life while other times, it can be a source of emotional pain. During courtship, we get to learn more about each other’s likes and dislikes, especially if we are intentional to do so.

At this level, it is important to at least be at the same level with the decision towards marriage, and, therefore, a good foundation yields to a healthy marriage. If this is a recent behaviour as you mentioned above, it could be that your girlfriend is seeking attention in a maladaptive way, especially if she is aware that you do not approve of the behaviour.

Secondly, go back to the drawing board of this relationship after four years of dating, are you still on the same page with your girlfriend? Mutual respect is a key ingredient in a relationship and absence creates resentment. Be bold and assess your relationship. Could it be that you are obsessed in this relationship and you are unable to see what your girlfriend is communicating.

Having dated for long, it is normal to be strongly attached to someone. However, this is also the time for you to be true to yourself before you make the long term decision of marriage.

Professional counselling at this level will be of benefit to both of you. You need a third party to listen to both of you and provide a nonjudgmental environment for you to speak out freely how you feel about the relationship and what you would wish it to be like.

In such a state, it can also be possible that you have been stressed by the relationship and, therefore, you need to take a break and also give your girlfriend space to assess her behaviour.

This me-time will enable you to assess the advantages and disadvantages of this relationship and also do a self-inventory. It will also enable you to recognise that you are hurting and need to heal before you move on or out of this relationship.

Focus on yourself more than ever before to build your inner strength. Believe in yourself and know that sometimes a relationship may not work out as you expected but it is better to notice the red flags early in the relationship and make an informed decision before you commit through marriage.

READER ADVICE

Take a break

Denis Matovu. I would suggest you taking a break from your relationship and reflecting on what exactly you want in life. I understand that you love her but my recommendation is taking a break for self-reflection. Once you get clarity on what you are looking for, express your feelings to her, discuss and understand each other’s expectations. I am sure she will also have a list of expectations from you. Also, consider visiting a relationship counsellor.

Work on the long-term

Joan Mubiru. Since you both come from different backgrounds with a different culture and upbringings, you might not see things the same way. We cannot define rights and wrongs here as they are different for each of you. She might be comfortable going out and accepting gifts, which you are not. This is where you both will have to work on your long-term goals and find a middle ground.

Are there loopholes

Alvin Johnson. After the four years you have spent together, you should both appreciate each other and what you intend to yield at the end. Maybe she has seen loopholes in your focus to commitment. It seems as though you are all on parallel life lanes even though you have been together for all this time. It is best you both sit down and talk about the issue at hand before it gets worse.

Flirting is okay

Sophy Winfred Mukimba.

Flirting is not bad even when you are in a healthy relationship. However, a partner should know their limit. If one spouse is not okay with it, discuss the matter and come to a common understanding. Open communication is vital..

Wait for her apology

Dennis Baliddawa. Stop caring, be silent. If she loves you and wants to be your wife, she will change and apologise. When she does this, propose to her and make things official. I have a feeling she is just acting out and a proposal will help her settle down.

Demand loyalty

Phoebe Miriam. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and should never be entered without aforethought. Is she the kind of woman you would love to come home to for the rest of your life? The institution of marriage calls for respect and decency if two people are to have a lifelong and blissful marriage. With this in mind, I guess it all falls back to you. If she is not ready to be faithful and loyal to you, then she is not ready to commit. Let her be and continue the search for a decent woman.

Walk away

Fortunate Okello. Walk away.Your sticking around only sends the message of how much you are willing to accept disrespectful behaviour

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation