Prime
The pain of being unworthy
What you need to know:
I pray that all parents recognise the lasting impact their choices can have on their children
“My son wants me to divorce his father,” my friend Kate tells me without any preamble as soon as we take our seats. “He tells me he is embarrassed by him and wants to cut any ties linking him to his father,” she adds. This is the latest challenge Kate, a not-so-single mother of teenagers has to deal with. When her children were little, she managed to create believable excuses for their father’s absence and brief appearances in their lives but now that they are older, they have put two and two together and are bitter. They are bitter that they are being kept a secret because their father is a spineless and heartless individual. “How can he look at his children and fail to see their sad longing for him?” Kate wonders about her husband Edgar’s ruthlessness.
Kate and I first crossed paths in 2014 at a bookstore, where we both happened to be purchasing Tolstoy’s War and Peace. When she glanced up and smiled warmly at the coincidence, it sparked a conversation between us. Kate has a disarming sense of humour that immediately puts people at ease.
For instance, after we decided to continue our conversation in a nearby café, she jokingly said, “I know you are wondering how hunchbucks do it.” I was momentarily stunned, not by the off-colour joke but by her self-referential humour, as if she were acknowledging what others might say about her behind her back. It took me a couple of minutes to compose a coherent response, during which her easy laughter provided a welcome reprieve. From that point on, we connected effortlessly, like two kindred spirits at a beer festival.
You see Kate was born with kyphosis, a spinal disorder that causes a person to appear to have a hump. Despite her condition, Kate is one of the most accomplished and well-adjusted human beings I have met. She has bountiful positive energy and a wicked sense of humour. Although she holds a master’s degree from the London School of Economics, Kate is a literature and philosophy buff, which goes a long way in explaining her wisdom and wit. Having lived and worked on three continents, she chose to come back home when the time came for her to settle down.
Our first conversation covered all the important aspects of our lives, including relationships. She shared about her relationship with her absentee baby daddy whom she spoke about without any hint of bitterness. Kate met Edgar in London and it was love at first sight. Because he was a struggling student while she was already an established and high-earning professional, Kate shared her flat with him, clothed and fed him for five years. In the process, children were conceived and born, but when she came back to Uganda, Edgar disappeared at the airport. At first, she was worried that something terrible could have befallen her beloved but he sent her a text apologising for his disappearance and promised to keep in touch.
After discovering where she lived, Edgar started visiting in the middle of the night blaming traffic jams and state persecution; apparently, he now belonged to a rebel outfit that he had never mentioned in their years together. At first, she believed him but after too many inaccuracies in his excuses, Kate realised that he had no intention of introducing her to his family and friends. Because of her unconventional appearance, he had chosen to keep her and her children secret.
As a wife, she was heartbroken but still believed, she could convince him otherwise. She finally gave up and started begging him to at least introduce the children to his relatives but whenever she brings up the topic, he disappears for months. Their children, who are now teenagers, have also since understood that their father is embarrassed by their mother and consequently by them.
Unlike their mother who wants them to have a civil relationship with their father, they refuse to talk to him whenever he shows up. Her eldest son, a towering 18-year-old, is threatening to cut off ties with the family if the mother insists on having a relationship with their father.
I understand the anger of her son towards his father. He has come to realise that his father lacks the self-respect to stand by his choices and is more concerned with public opinion than with the well-being of his family. The son feels that he cannot learn any meaningful values from someone so devoid of self-worth and authenticity.
I sincerely hope for this family to find resolution. More broadly, I pray that all parents recognise the lasting impact their choices can have on their children, before making a decision that might seem beneficial in the short term but is selfish.
