I take every statistic reported in this country with a grain of salt. First, there are few people in this country who understand statistics. But in such countries, the easiest way to sound smart is to throw a statistic. There is that statistic that says 14 million Ugandans suffer from a mental illness. See, good people, I searched for that report, I searched, hoping to at least find the methodology, how they arrived at that number. I could not find anything. Nothing, people.
I was one of those that had bought into this number, but do not trust a number over here. In places of low per capita income, you are better served by intuition than logic. In fact, your brains could harm you in such places. See, that is why many intelligent people go crazy. Wondering why they cannot seem to make it here? They start to doubt their brains. No, there is nothing wrong with your brains little one, it is just that they are not really needed here. You need less of them. You need more intuition, dumb it down a little and things can get fun.
Like why are you quoting the law to the traffic officer? Wewe, you think I am interested in your law? The moment you start talking about the law, the ears shut off, the officer starts hearing some buzzing sounds such as ‘hozambe, shifurah.’ Distress people. Distress. Do not complicate life like those corporate friends of mine, carrying their laptop to every café. I am glad some cafes in Europe are outlawing this nonsense. What are you really hustling? What groundbreaking ideas? Everyone seems busy in Kampala until you check the output at the end of the year. There are just a few of us carrying this country, like me, my editor, and a few handsome and intelligent chaps that are doing all the donkey work. Most of you people, you are just pretending, only that you do not know. But drop in on any corporate zoom call, listen to how people bamboozle through. You notice, we are all just dealers. Because seriously, why do you have to circle back, and streamline the ways of work, and align people? See, does it make sense to you? It does not. The point is that it does not have to make sense.
The thing that is going to make you successful in Kampala does not have to make sense. Stop hating when you see crazy people make it in Kampala. It is not that they do not know the important stuff in life. It is not that your dear Orte cannot write more seriously. Naye babiwulira? I often have to come in my distressed style, with my kiwoowo. Wait, have you guys landed on our own Yves Saint Laurent? And what is with the big water bottles? People, your workplace has not yet taught you about the triple bottomline? We need to save the planet, and we cannot do it with you chaps carrying big water bottles, cutting every vegetable on earth, running on every pavement in the street and plugging your laptops in every socket around town. Because of chaps like you, now even Lugogo mall has introduced a parking charge. At this rate, Naalya is the future. Our ka good Metroplex does not charge us. We just need to introduce a Sunday morning proggie, like we all show up in distressed attires and dance kizomba, or Rhumba or anything.
Now good people, I have good ideas. Stop complaining about thieves in Kampala. If you throw a stone in Kampala, it will land on a thief before it lands on a clean person. That is it. All have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. That is why Mzee is now sending thieves to catch thieves. The idea is that we can introduce the luxury segment to Kampala. Not premium. Not ultra-premium, but luxury. We need to find a way of distressing the thieves of their money. Since they cannot keep concreting everywhere, we need to sell them some dreams. Worse, most can no longer go out of the country. So, we can become luxury plugs. Personally, I will be Uganda’s supplier for all LVMH products. See if you do not know LVMH, I should stop here. You are not the target market. But my thieving customers get it. In that way, we can balance out the money. They steal it, we sell them luxury products. Everyone is happy. And before long, there will be nothing to steal, efficient market hypothesis and boom, we will still wake up as a poor country.
Where were we people? The sermon today is that let us not be too idealistic in Kampala. You see we can raw-dog life a bit. We can treat every pothole like a drug. Design a game where every Kampala pothole is given a name on google maps. Then we can even have a pothole density. After all, it is just a few of us doing the work in Uganda, the rest of you, just chill, distress, learn new corporate words; I hear VUCA became BANI. So at least run with the BANI term until we drop you a new term. And do not forget to scare your friends on Linkedin. Kiwani, kiwani, buli omu asiiba kiwani. Please tell abamanja that ‘bemanja tebanansasula.’
Until next week poor people of Uganda…
Twitter: ortegatalks
