Sometimes to find love, you must take a break from the search

The desire for love and a happy-ever-after story is completely natural. However, sometimes we need to take a break from the search to find love, and I feel like we do not have this discussion enough. We do not give this advice to each other enough.

The common misconception in society today is that being single is terrible. Many family members force answers out of you as to why you are not married yet, and friends push to set you up with someone. Society's views on being single are sad and pathetic. Thinking that you or anyone else is abnormal and needs a partner to function should be discouraged.

I always encourage my friends, family, and sometimes even acquaintances to take time off after a break-up. Do not rush into a new relationship, cut off communication with your ex, do not get involved in any form of manipulation, and do not join dating apps.

Instead, take some time for yourself and reflect on your life. What made you unhappy in the relationship you just left? What don't you want to encounter again in a partner? What are your toxic traits, and what work do you need to do to eliminate them? Where are your scars? What needs to heal and how? Asking these questions means you do not carry them into the next relationship. These are the things every single person needs to contemplate about after a relationship has ended.

I recently re-watched a movie I adore called Eat Pray Love, which stars Julia Roberts as Elizabeth “Liz” Gilbert. It is based on a memoir of the same name about the real-life Elizabeth's decisions. She made a decision that most consider unconventional but I found brave. Liz was in an unhappy marriage; they had grown apart and they were not on the same page in regards to the direction of their lives, but like most people, they were pretending to be happy and pushing on.

After prayer, Liz decided she did not want to be married anymore and pulled the plug on their partnership, letting her husband know verbatim, “I do not want to be married anymore.”

Shortly after this, she made the mistake of jumping into another relationship before dealing with the weight she was carrying from the previous one. Unable to cope with that one as well, she had to ask herself very tough questions to understand why she was so unhappy in a partnership. Drastically, she packed her belongings and went on a journey of self-discovery, both literally and figuratively.

I will not go too deep into the film's premise (although I do hope you find it and watch it if you have not, or read the book), but I feel like there was such an extraordinary lesson to be learnt from that story. She had to strip herself of all the baggage that comes with commitment and attachment and put in the work on herself.

You are of no use to your partner and have no business in a relationship if you are not fully self-aware, if you have not grasped and dealt with your insecurities, if you do not love yourself, if you do not know what your triggers are if you are not aware of and have not worked on habits that might cause contention.

Jumping in and out of relationships does not afford you the time to put this work in. You have got to take the initiative to ensure that you have yourself figured out and have taken the time to breathe before throwing yourself into the dating pool again.

It is also (and I cannot stress this enough) extremely crucial that you enjoy being single and all the liberties it comes with. This is time you can use to not only reconnect with your friends and family but also re-evaluate other aspects of your life that may have taken a back seat while you were in a relationship. Take this time to process, listen to advice, watch movies, documentaries, and interviews that might help make sense of the place you are in at the moment and how best you can pull yourself out of it.

You are not the person who “needs a partner” or “has to get married”. Let us strip ourselves bare of those societal expectations. There is never a better time than being single to set new goals for yourself and step into the opportunity to understand yourself.

Getting out of a relationship is never easy, regardless of whether it was amicable or contentious. Use that time to figure out what your next steps will be.