We have been together for almost two years. His mother’s side loves me and has always approved of me. However, his father and sister say cruel things about me, even though I have never done anything bad to them. They did not like me from the start. Despite my efforts to be respectful and helpful, it has not made a difference. My boyfriend misses them but refuses to see them. I am always terrified that he will soon choose them over me, but he assures me that will not happen. What should I do?
Janice.
Dear Janice,
Dealing with anxiety about your boyfriend’s family is a common struggle. While it would be ideal for both families to support your relationship, sometimes that is not the case. It is common for families to be unsupportive of their child’s choice of partner.
Marriage involves both families, so it is important to talk openly with your boyfriend about how to handle any challenges with your father and sister-in-law healthily. Try to understand their perspective and ask for your boyfriend’s support. If it is something you cannot change, find ways to cope without confronting them directly.
It can be helpful to build a strong relationship with your boyfriend as a foundation for facing family challenges. It is also important to recognise that the relationship with your boyfriend is different from the one with his family, and it is natural for family dynamics to change over time.
If the situation becomes too difficult to manage, seeking professional counselling can provide valuable support and guidance.
Remember that building a relationship with your in-laws may not happen overnight. It may take time to get to know each other better, learn from your differences, and find a comfortable rhythm.
Avoid pressure, negative stereotypes, or unrealistic expectations. It is also a good idea to keep some healthy space. Focus on the positive aspects of your in-laws, and give yourself and them grace as you navigate this new chapter.
Developing a healthy relationship with your in-laws can be a source of joy and support in your relationship and family life. By communicating effectively, finding common interests, respecting their culture and traditions, being a good listener, and setting realistic expectations, you can build a positive connection.
While challenges may arise, remember that patience, kindness, and respect can go a long way in creating a meaningful and lasting bond with them.
Finally, one of the best ways to get along with your in-laws is simply to spend time with them. In yiur case, first encourage your boyfriend to start visiting his father and sister and even inviting them to visit yiur home. Get to know them as individuals and treat them as you would any other friend or family member.
By showcasing your genuine interest and affection, you will undoubtedly win them over in the end. Remember that they do not know you well and are struggling to accept you as part of the family. Showing them that you care and spending time with them will enable them see alot of your positive attributes.
READER ADVICE
End the relationship
Moses Earthe. I do not know why you want to join a confused family. Is your boyfriend the last man in the world? You may insist but soon something small will make your man go back to his family.
He must make decisions
Andrew Adrian. Is your boyfriend still young that his father and sister still want to care for him? Let your boyfriend wake up and decide for himself since you love him. Believe the situation will change but if not, find your way out of the relationship.
Love will win
Sally Elimasia. If you two love each other, you will both make it. You are in love with him, not his parents or siblings. You can only keep this relationship if you are sure he truly loves you so dearly. If you doubt his love, quit when you still have no bond that will make you regret it in future.
Blood is thicker
Paul Katumba. I think that is not the right family for you. Blood is thicker than water and in this case, you are the water. The two years you have been together is not long enough, look for an organised family.
Be patient
Davis Samuel Wante. It is not healthy to pursue a relationship where your spouse’s relatives hate you. Open your eyes and move on with another gentleman from an organised family that will appreciate, love and accommodate you. Remember, love must be exercised with patience, it does not hurt and involve envy nor intrigue for it to be successful.
Its a tricky situation
Richard Katamba. You are fighting a losing battle. Your father-in-law has a very strong reason for disliking you and your attempts to be good will help. However, if your boyfriend’s financial status is higher than his father’s, and he does not depend on his father, you might have a lifeline. But if he needs his father for financial support, be brave and walk out of the relationship.
Do not get involved
Gerenah Amumpaire. Step aside until they sort themselves out. Blood is thicker than water, and even if you are a mother, you are an outsider, even to your children and husband.
You can’t be liked by all
Woods Western. You need to accept the sad reality that you cannot be everyone’s piece of cake. You just need to figure out people who like you and forge your life ahead. We do not normally marry for the whole family. Stick to your husband; that is all that matters.
Accept what you have
Donavan Alecs Nyakojo. The sisters will not like you even for a single minute, because they want their brother to date one of their friends. So, as long as his mother likes you, the rest does not matter.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
