Things you should never disclose to your partner

It was not long after that they had a quarrel and Elvis shared some of their conversations with their friends. “I felt like I was stabbed in the back. I was embarrassed and disappointed, not so much in him but in myself, for being that naive to trust a man to that degree. I now know better and no one will ever have such a piece of me like that again!” she says, with a placid smile of someone who has learned from their mistakes and made peace with themselves.     

I asked some friends and family to share things they would never share with their partners and here are some of their responses.      

Intimacy history
You may want to bear all to your partner but your “body count” should not be among those to disclose to them. This is one of those secrets you should go down to your grave with. If they want to know if you indulged or not before you met, that is okay for you to share with them but with whom or how many should not be among those to consider.  

You for instance cannot tell them you had it with the maid or coworker and you enjoyed every bit of it! That would be gross to say and listen to by any standard. This information can be used wrongly later by your partner to harm you or can cause discomfort and insecurity.   

Personal fantasies
Some personal fantasies or private thoughts are clean but some are crazy and naughty, you want to keep private to yourself. For instance, Shamim would not want to tell her partner that she still romanticises about being intimate with her ex; “Umar knew how to do a good job (you know what I mean?!) but Abdul is a non-starter. He won me over because of his money (I hate to admit that!) and we have three children. If it were possible, I would glide back into the arms of Umar, occasionally for the thrill of it.”     

Sensitive and traumatic experiences
According to the American Psychological Association, trauma “is an emotional response to a terrible event such as an accident, rape, or natural disaster”. These experiences can overwhelm one’s thoughts, emotions, and body leading to emotional and physical damage that may be permanent or temporal.

Traumatic experiences that occurred during childhood such as emotional and sexual abuse may not be easy to share with others without eliciting warped judgments. Depending on the level of your spouse’s maturity, you may want to first guard against sharing such sensitive information.    

Personal information shared by another in confidence
If someone has trusted you with a secret or matter in confidence, you must keep their trust and privacy by not sharing it with anyone else.  This is the standard practice in professions such as counselling but also in normal relationships. Imagine sharing a secret with someone only to find it out in the street. 

Lucy confided in her best friend and workmate, Alice: “I was struggling with a deeply personal issue and as always, I shared with Alice. But, I found out later that half of our office knew about that issue! That ended our friendship.”    

Negative opinions about their family members
If they love their family (others do not and you can say anything against their family members and they will even support you), it is better to keep away from mentioning anything negative about them. You might cause a fight or tempers to flare.

Michaela says: “Mathias, my boyfriend, was great but he always talked negatively about my family. I come from an uneducated family and I was the first to graduate there. Every time he got the chance to hit at illiterate people, my family took the brunt of his disdain. I figured out he would not match my people’s humility. I intentionally failed the relationship before it graduated to marriage.”   

Financial secrets
Some financial details are too sensitive to share with your person. 

Daphne, a businesswoman, explains: “There are some business details I cannot share with my hubby because they are private to me and the people involved. And some of it is not good.”

“For instance, how do I tell him that I bribed his friend to get me a procurement deal or that I played dirty to get ahead of my competition? It is my private business and I prefer to keep a boundary line on it. I have fought to secure this boundary for all the time we have been together. At first, he was insecure and he threw tantrums but I stuck to my guns and he eventually came around,” she adds. 

Deep-seated fears and insecurities
Sometimes you do not want to offload your fears and insecurities on your spouse so you protect them by keeping them to yourself.

Daniela, a mid-level manager at one of Kampala hotels, explains: “I am a mother of three and a breadwinner. I sometimes harbour the dirty thought and feeling that I will lose my job one day because there is an influx of professionals in my field. I cannot disclose that to my husband. He is unemployed and fearful. Such information would just kill him!” 

Personal health details
Depending on the stage of the relationship and maturity of parties involved, some personal health details should not be shared early on in a relationship until one is sure of the future. Cases of chronic or terminal illnesses can be tricky to explain to your loved one you may want to hold onto that information a little longer to protect your privacy and dignity.

All the above “should nevers” are not cast in stone. In an environment of patience, loving-kindness, and support, one can move from concealing them to full disclosure.        

DON’T SAY…
Personal moral failures
We all have skeletons in our closets; when we erred in judgment and did stuff we are not proud of. Some of it may have been light you can freely share as a learning lesson but some of it is gross you would look like you were trying to win a championship in sin. Keep these to yourself.