I am a 21-year-old woman who is dating a 34-year-old man. Although he has now expressed interest in marrying me, I feel he is too old and I am worried my parents will not allow me to marry a man this old. He is a good man who loves and gives me everything I want. Should I go ahead with the relationship even if my parents reject him?
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
This is a tricky situation and I can imagine the conflicting decisions going through your mind. It is also true that the age difference is significant and your parents might be concerned. However, it is also important to know what you are exactly looking for in a relationship. Marriage is a social matter, which means there will be other key players in your relationship, such as your parents, who will be interested in your safety.
That said, I would also like to let you know that age difference is viewed differently across cultures. Knowing this enables you to be ready for their reaction to the relationship. You can also explore open communication with your parents about this relationship; this will enable you to hear their concerns and alleviate their fears too.
Evaluate your relationship. Do you envision a long-term future with your boyfriend? Are you happy in the relationship? How about your values in terms of goals and compatibility? Has he opened up about wanting to have a long-term relationship with you? Answering these questions will enable you to make an informed decision.
Remember, the decision to marry him or not is still yours to make because you are now considered an adult. Seek support from trusted friends and family who will not just judge you but give you honest information.
You can also seek professional support to learn more about relationships. Age difference is not a hindrance to a good relationship. If you go through all the above and still think this is something you can go ahead with, then follow your heart.
To navigate an age-gap relationship successfully, couples need to have open communication and be willing to discuss difficult topics rather than avoid them. If you are worried or stressed about something age-related or otherwise (in this case whether your family will accept your partner or not), tell him how you feel and why.
Expressing what is bothering you opens up a space for honest discussion and greater intimacy, which beats suffering in silence about something that might not even be an issue. If you do not feel up for talking to your partner about your concerns, a counsellor can help provide some objective advice.
Lastly, do not make your age difference more than what it is. If you have shared values and respect each other, it does not matter what your age difference is. What matters is that you are on the same playing field and are both willing to make your relationship a success.
Reader advice
He genuinely loves you
Sam Otim. Should you ignore that man, you will regret your decision. You have true love; someone who is willing to give you everything you need in life. Although you will get other young men very easily, they will not be as committed to you.
It is not unrealistic
Emmanuel Len Opio. The difference of 13 years, though seemingly significant, is not unrealistic. Remember, our ancestors, though not ‘learned’ often married much younger women and those marriages worked. The new practice of marrying ‘age mates’ partly explains the high divorce rates. Your concern should, therefore, not be age, but whether he will make a good husband to you and a responsible father to your children.
You have the final say
Melvin Nasasira. The biggest aspect to consider in a relationship is your conviction. Are you convinced enough that you like his character and personality? Do you think you are ready to commit yourself for the rest of your life? Marriage is a lifetime decision that cannot be undone easily. If all your answers are positive, go ahead and accept his proposal. Your parents have a say in your life but you make the final decision. However, I do not think parents would stand in your way if the two of you have decided.
Focus on career growth
Phoebe Miriam. Are you done with education? Did you already graduate? Do you have a job? Do not rush into marriage while forgetting your career. Secondly, a 34-year-old man is not too old for you; he is the right one, the age difference is recommended anyway. If you are already working, please go ahead and marry him.
Know what you want
Peterson Given. If you are saying that 34 is too old, then what age would you prefer as a 21-year-old for marriage? In this generation of survival for the fittest, you might find that you are even too old for him. Throw your dice with concentration for the answer is within your chest.
He is the right age
Collins Manano. Do what makes you feel comfortable because almost 90 percent of women do not mind age, looks and status, provided they are getting what they want. That age gap is not even big.
Do not rush anything
Sarah K Frankie. That age gap will certainly become a problem later on in life and once you get to your 30s. At 21, you are still young and have a lot of maturing to do. You need to understand life, money and relationships. You also have many options to study, date and work. Do not rush into a marriage only to divorce by 35 or get stuck in a bad situation until your 40s. Give it five to seven years before thinking of settling down.
Take it one day at a time
Ruthie Kay. So your parents have not even met him or rejected him yet but you are busy working overtime stressing about their “expected reaction”. Girl relax… life is short. Take it one day at a time.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
