I am in my 20s, while my fiancé is in his early 30s. Although we are engaged and will get married early next year, we have made a vow not to engage in premarital sex. In the beginning, it was okay, but now my fiancé has told me he cannot wait. Every time we go on a date, he pressures me into having sex with him, reminding me that we are engaged and he will still marry me. However, I am a Christian, and I believe waiting helps us get to know each other without the confusion that being intimate before marriage might cause. Will I lose him if I refuse to give in?
Nancy.
Dear Nancy,
This is a challenging situation for you. I also see that you have a value system that guides you and are willing to stick to it. However, it looks like your fiancé is experiencing conflicting desires. It is important to be open about this and have an honest conversation with your fiancée.
These are some of the ideas you can try out; communicate clearly and express your feelings about premarital sex in a non-judgmental way. Remember you both have a different perspective on this issue.
Do you have common areas where you agree? If yes, then it is important to utilise this and put emphasis on activities that are a common ground for both of you. Sometimes, this leads to better communication and understanding.
Trust that what you feel now is right and matches your values. You are indeed engaged but it is also okay to not feel pressured to deviate from your values.
It makes sense that having sex with someone you are undoubtedly committed to brings about that kind of fulfillment, especially since your brain quite literally bonds to that person in a neurochemical way every time you engage in that kind of physical pleasure.
That bond is not meant to be broken, in fact it is a huge part of helping to maintain unity in marriage, which is often why breaking up with someone you have been intimate with is more difficult than if you had not.
Reserving sex for marriage isn’t just about the act, either, but rather about giving your entire self to someone else. In marriage, we’re offering our life to the other person without holding anything back in any area.
Remember that waiting to have sex until marriage facilitates intentional partner selection.
When you have not become sexually involved with your dating partner, you have a better chance of making good decisions in dating. Having sex complicates things and muddies the water, especially for women. Once we have become sexually involved, our decision-making becomes convoluted.
Expect that he might respect your decision if he truly loves you because love is patient and kind. In case he continues to pressure you into giving up on your values, this could be an indication of deeper issues in the relationship.
Seek premarital counselling. If you try all these possible ways and things do not change, working with a marriage therapist will provide a safe environment to express yourself and also learn new relationship skills.
While it is painful to see the possibilities of the relationship not working out, it is important to follow your heart and keep your values.
READER ADVICE
What are you hiding?
Rosebud Sengooba. People who hide their sexual desires before they get married tend to have major deficiencies they are hiding and waiting to unleash onto an unsuspecting partner. There is nothing more to learn about him since you are already making wedding arrangements. He is practically your husband already.
It is a good decision
Praise Alex. The commitment/vow you made to wait is very strong and you should stick to it because it is a step towards keeping the church vows. It also shows your commitment to each other without the physical getting in the way.
Patience is a virtue
BobLarson Kasozi. Yes, you might lose him because your values are different. But if this happens, then you would have found out the kind of man you were going to marry. Patience is a virtue and so, he should be able to wait.
He should wait
Victorious Judy. Just know that if he cannot be patient now, then he will not be patient in marriage.
Let him go
Rosie Prince. Keep yourself safe until marriage. If he cannot respect the decision you both made, then let him go. With time, you will meet a person who will respect the decisions you make together.
He is not your man
Phoebe Miriam. Nancy, that man is not meant for you. Find someone who subscribes to the same moral values as you.
Will he keep the vows?
Charity Katushabe. Because he is trying to make you break the first vow you have made together, he is likely to break the vows you will make in church. Stand your ground. You are still in your 20s and have your whole life ahead of you. Do not let him pressure you into doing anything. He might not even be the man God has prepared for you and only time will tell.
Find a God-fearing man
Precious Trudy Nabaweesi. How did you get in touch with a non-believer? If the Bible is against fornication, please stick to that. If it means letting him go, then do that. God will bring you someone worth your patience.
Keep trusting God
Ruthie Kay. Stick to your vows. Do not worry about losing him. He will marry you if he is the right person for you. Keep trusting God.
It is a hard decision
Jane Mukisa. I think waiting until after a legal contract is involved to find out if you are sexually compatible is a bad idea, but that is your choice to make. What is most important is what you want to do with your body. And if your partner has a problem with it, maybe you are both better off without each other.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
